Self-Love Archives - Dr. Debra Mandel

About Psychotherapy · Anger · Depression · How to Thrive! · Monday Mood Modifier · Self-Love · Stress Management

Seven Tips to Turn Pain into Positivity

When people hear the words “pain” and “positivity” in the same sentence, they often react with “No way–that’s an oxymoron!” But the two experiences don’t have to be mutually exclusive!

Let me explain.

Recently, I threw out my back. Not the simple tweak (i.e., ice pack, anti-inflammatory, and a day of rest to relieve the discomfort), but rather the kind that inspires the all-out reaction of, “OMG–will I ever be able to walk pain-free again?!” By the 10th day of barely being able to care for myself without crying out in agony, my mind went to some pretty dark places. Fortunately, I’m one of the lucky ones since my back-condition only yields acute-pain (i.e., temporary rather than chronic). Plus, I have considerable control over flare-ups based on how I treat my body. But pain is pain and what I learned is that our mind-set and our actions toward pain directly correlate with how we end up feeling. Hence, if we approach pain with doom and gloom, our pain might worsen. But if we stay hopeful and create proactive solutions, we might very well find ourselves feeling less pain!

While my heart goes out to anyone who experiences suffering and I certainly understand that simple quick fix tips won’t help everyone, for those who experience temporary discomfort (be it physical or even emotional), below are some ideas/actions on how to turn negative thoughts surrounding pain into some level of positivity.

Release your negative thoughts to the Universe. You can do this by journaling and then burning the paper. Or create any ritual of expression, followed by an action of cleansing.
Make a gratitude list. No matter how dire your situation- if you are still breathing – you continue to have the gift of life. Don’t undervalue it.
State five positive affirmations and shout them aloud five times per day. These don’t have to be grandiose like “I’m the coolest person on the planet” just realistic and positive. For instance, you might say- “Regardless of my pain, I still remain a generous person.”
Say “NO” to dark thoughts! Remember, a thought is just a thought unless you fuel it by action. So if you have a negative thought, visualize a stop sign and a detour onto a new path. Move away from negativity and take the route of positivity.
Ask for help when you need it. I know so many people who practice the “suck-it-up method” instead of the “I could really use your help” method. Of course, we want to spread out the requests so we don’t burn out any one person. But keep in mind that friends are not just for fair-weather but also for the stormy times!
Seek proper medical advice. Whether you practice Eastern, Western, or some other type of medical philosophy – pursue all remedies available and choose the ones best suited for your situation.
Practice prevention. Do everything you can on a daily basis to keep your body and mind strong and healthy. Sometimes we have to push through our pain; and other times, we need to pamper ourselves. Learn what’s better for you.

Most importantly, remember that a little bit of light can go along way!

October 25, 2023

Anger · Goal Setting · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Self-Image · Self-Love · Spirituality · Stress Management

Feeling Groovy! Five Steps To Turn Attitude Into Gratitude!

Do you ever wake up on the wrong side of the bed wishing the day would pass quickly? Or, ever find yourself nitpicking at trivial things or people, unable to get out of a funk? Well you won’t be the first to admit to having a bad attitude at times nor will you be the last. But you might experience shorter-lived and fewer of these moments if you try the following.

Think opposites! Since positivity opposes negativity, try reversing all negative thoughts into positive ones. For instance, if your thought-for-the-day is “people are cruel” – instead say “many kind-hearted people exist, I should find them!”
Write down five things about you and your life for which you should be grateful. If you can breathe, which I assume you can since you’re reading this, then put that as the first item on your list!
Clear the source of “why” you have a bad attitude. For instance, if someone is mistreating you, then set better boundaries with him or her.
Don’t succumb to the notion that “time heals all wounds” because you’ll be waiting a very long time to feel better. Instead, turn time into your friend by taking positive actions to shake up your ‘tude.
Practice self reliance and accountability. While it’s tempting and often easier to point the finger away from ourselves with regards to how we come to feel what we feel – ultimately it’s our interpretation of events around us that determine our feelings. Hence, if you shift your perception or interpretation of an experience – you can find the silver lining!

And remember, attitudes are contagious. So, what would you like people to catch from you?

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · Goal Setting · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Romance · Self-Love

Attracting Healthy Love: Forgive Your Ex-partners!

More than likely, if you’ve been active in the intimate relationship world, then you’ve probably been scorned by a former lover or two. As such, you may feel righteous indignation and see no need to forgive him. Or worse, you may even vehemently hold onto your anger as if you had won an Olympic gold medal for the “one who was most wronged” category. However, while you might feel fortified by your resentment toward your ex, resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other guy to die! In other words, holding on to hatred or general disdain for someone who is no longer present in your life will only negatively affect your own mental and emotional wellbeing in the long run. Hence, if your goal is to attract and create healthy love, it’s time to forgive your ex and move on!

You might ask, “Can I forgive someone whose behavior may have been despicable?” Well you can and must. Here’s how:

Accept what is true—i.e., that you are no longer in a romantic relationship with your ex. You may not like it, but it’s what’s so.
Accept your ex for who he is, both the good and the bad.
Recognize that most people do the best they can in their relationships. So simply acknowledge that the relationship did not work out for various reasons and that both of you get to be happy by moving on. (Note, if your former partner intentionally set out to harm you wherein you were seriously abused or harmed, this may be more difficult. But nevertheless, what’s done is done and you must let go.)
Accept responsibility for your own contribution to why the relationship ended, even if you believe he was the primary cause of the demise. That is not to say that you were equally responsible in all ways, but more than likely you had a part in creating and maintaining the problems. For instance, maybe you stayed in the relationship too long because you believed in his potential though he never said he was going to change. Or maybe you didn’t communicate your needs adequately doing the classic female stance of “why should I ask, when he should just know what I need?” So learn from your mistakes to avoid making the same ones in the future.

Once you practice the tips above– take a deep breath, inhaling your desire for healthy love, an intention to create it, and freedom and hope for the future. Then, release the breath, exhaling all negative feelings toward your ex. Most importantly, appreciate the blessings in your life today and create the fertile ground for the seeds of romance and love to bud and blossom in the future!

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · Anger · Communication · Creativity · Depression · How to Thrive! · Monday Mood Modifier · Self-Image · Self-Love · Spirituality

In A Rut? Five Tips To Break-up The Monotony

All of us get stuck in situations, or with people, where we feel like we’re trapped in some version of “groundhog day.” As such, we may experience our lives as monotonous or boring, even sometimes to the level of purposelessness. Sound familiar? Don’t despair!

Whether you’re entrenched in a dead-end job, a stale relationship, an empty house after your children have launched, or some other unfulfilling circumstance, you can make quick and simple changes to help you feel more excited about life right now! Try the following tips:

Pick a hobby and take the first step toward starting it. Sometimes it’s easiest to add something new into our lives rather than attempt to massively delete or change major events.
Identify what it is that’s causing you to be in a rut. Are you afraid to make a change – do you fear failure – do you suffer low self-esteem and don’t feel deserving of something better? These are examples of the many questions you need to ask yourself in order to pinpoint what it is that keeps you stuck.
Create a vision board. Write out your goals without judgment. Dream big!! Eventually you will fine-tune these items and create practical methods to achieve what is possible.
Make a goal with three steps to accomplish it within a week. For example, if you are bored with your job, set and intention to research new opportunities. Then 1) pick three job websites and start exploring the various categories, 2) take a vocational skills assessment online and 3) redo your resume.
Say aloud what it is you change. For example, say “I am happily enjoying changing (fill in the blank) in my life for the better.”

Most Importantly, trust in your own resources! You can do it! But always remember you cannot control other people, places, or things, only your own reaction to them. And, you are responsible for being proactive in your life-so don’t wait around for a magic wand to make things better!

(Note – if you suffer from depression or debilitating anxiety and don’t believe you can make the changes you desire, please seek professional help.)

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · Anger · Communication · Relationships · Romance · Self-Love

Top 3 Relationship Killers

Many variables come to play in either making or breaking a relationship. While intimate relationships can often weather many storms and even come out better in the long run, there are three events that will likely shatter even the strongest of bonds.

Non-remorseful Infidelity: While many relationships have recovered following a transgression, if cheating occurs and there is no “guilt” on the part of the cheater, the relationship is doomed. If there is any chance of healing from the wounds of betrayal, the cheater must genuinely take full responsibility for the act of cheating and demonstrate remorse. If the partner is unaware, the cheater should seek professional counsel on whether to disclose or not. In either case, remember that cheating never solves anything. It only represents a symptom of a larger problem, so fix the problem!

Promises Repeatedly Broken: Many of us, and people-pleasers especially, feel compelled to tell others things they think others will want to hear. But you’ll be far better served if you pause before you make agreements. Because if you’re not true to your word, you violate the most fundamental component to a healthy relationship; i.e., trust.

Unexpressed/Unresolved Resentments: (URs) URs create disdain and contempt for one’s partner and ultimately destroy the relationship. URs are like swallowing poison and waiting for the other guy to die. Not a healthy recipe for success! So find a way to rid yourself of them and accept what is or move on.

So unless you’re trying to find a way out–if you’re headed down relationship killer lane on any of these three paths, make a U-turn immediately!

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · Depression · Relationships · Romance · Self-Love · Stress Management

Don’t Contact Your Ex!

Break-ups come in all varieties from quick-and-simple to lengthy-and-complicated. Whether you have done the dumping or have just been dumped, almost always, a painful healing process ensues. However, just how intense or drawn-out that repair process will be heavily depends on how you deal with your former lover.

What’s the secret to getting through your emotional heartache as quickly as possible? The number one rule: Don’t contact your ex, no matter what! Even if your toilet is overflowing and he has historically been you ever-available handyman, don’t text, don’t call, or reach out in any other way. “Why,” you might ask? Because our minds often play funny tricks on us. And contacting your ex will merely give you the illusion you are still in a relationship with him and, hence, prolong fully realizing and accepting the end of it. In fact, each time you contact him, you set yourself back two steps.

Whether or not you believe me- you have considerable control over how quickly you can bounce back and return to the game of love. But you need to take back your heart and recognize that he is an empty well for water! So what do you do instead to keep the forward momentum going?

If you want to heal like the speed of lightening rather than wallow in sorrow and self-pity, practice the following 3 tips.

Keep yourself busy. Spend time with supportive family members and friends. Finish a project you’ve been putting on hold or volunteer for your favorite charity.
Reflect on what went wrong in the relationship. Don’t shame or blame yourself. Rather do an inventory of your own responsibility for the demise of the relationship. When you take accountability of your own actions you enable yourself to have a better relationship in the future.
Practice self-soothing. One of the reasons why most of us love being in a relationship involves the pleasure we receive from being cuddled by our lover. But his arms no longer reach out for you. So you must learn to give yourself the love and comfort you desire and not turn to him.

Of course, refraining from contact with your ex is no easy task, especially if you are still in love with the dude. Even harder will be those days when you feel so desperate to hear his voice and believe that he is the only one who can make your pain disappear. But no matter how strong the urge becomes, you simply must say “no” to the impulse to contact him. And remember, there are plenty of good guys out there and love will come again!

October 25, 2023

Cats · Friendships · Relationships · Self-Love

Meet Prowler and Bobby (aka Puppycat): My Two Best Friends

Sometimes all we need is a little bit of love. Furry friends can often be our best friends. So if you’re ever feeling a tad bit down –cuddle with your pet. Don’t have one? No problem! You can borrow a (human) friend’s pet for some snuggles. Or, if none available, just go to YouTube and you’ll find hundreds of adorable videos of all sorts of animals. Plus, you can follow my posts as these two rascals, Prowler and Bobby, are making their big debut!