Communication
Sassy & Rude, Her New Attitude
Do you have a strained or emotionally distant relationship with your adult daughter, not knowing what went wrong, let alone how to fix it?
Does your daughter ever snub you or act rudely even when you think your being kind and loving?
Do you crave a deeper and closer bond with her but question wheth- er there is even any hope for repair?
If you’ve answered “yes” to any or all the above, you are among millions of ten- der-loving moms who’ve lost the sugar-and-spice and everything nice with their adult daughters and who desperate desire help. But despair no longer–your res- cue guide has arrived!
Filled with examples and interviews from real-life mothers and daughters, an- ecdotes, exercises, and checklists combined with a tough love, yet compassionate tone, Sassy and Rude provides tangible advice for you to:
Connect the dots between your childhood wounds, your parenting style and your daughter’s sassy factor.
Gain deeper insight into your daughter’s wounded heart.
Stop power struggles once and for all by facing conflict in more constructive ways.
Accept responsibility for your own role in creating the rifts, leaving shame and guilt behind.
Generate realistic expectations coupled with loving boundaries.
If you were sitting in a room with the nation’s top relationship and love experts…what would you ask?
In just a few weeks I will be participating in a revolutionary summit called Let Love In. Join me and other professionals from around the nation as we discuss how to find a Good Man, how to navigate dating, and how to thrive in a long-term relationship! Discover exactly what is holding you back from finding the love of your life. Let go of fear and embrace love.Most of us need relatively equal amounts of work, rest, and play in order to lead a balanced life.
The world, however, doesn’t always cooperate with us and sometimes we have to sacrifice what may well be our most favorite pastime– play! Plus, when we finally find the time to enjoy some fun, we won’t always be in sync with our partners, hence possibly leading to disappointment or conflict!
So you find yourself in a situation wherein you and your lover disagree more than occasionally on how to enjoy time together, here are six tips to help you freshen up your playtime!
1. Make sure that your partner isn’t avoiding contact with you for some unspoken reason. For instance, maybe you’ve made several attempts at having fun together but your “good time” has often deteriorated into a “bad time.” If there is something causing your partner to not want to hang out with you, address whatever it is ASAP!
2. Suggest options that appeal to both of you. If the two of you have varied interests without much overlap, you may need to exercise increased flexibility so that you both find playtime to be enjoyable. Consider taking turns picking the activity so that you each get your first choice evenly.
3. Once you settle on something to do together, even if it isn’t your favorite option, don’t complain. There is nothing worse than hanging out with a spoilsport.
4. Keep your expectations reasonable. Even highly compatible couples don’t always want to do the same thing, let alone at the same time.
5. Be empathetic toward your lover if he/she needs extra rest. Don’t take it personally. Just make sure that there isn’t something physically wrong causing fatigue. And remember: resting together can also sometimes be logged as playtime.
6. Remind your partner that a couple who plays together more likely stays together! Without any sort of pressure – state the importance of the relationship to you and how you want to do whatever you can to help it grow in a healthy way!
Now, most importantly, get in the sandbox and have some fun!!
Six Tips on How to Share Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Fears With A Potential Beau!
No one single “right” way exists on how to share your inner self with a lover. But certainly some ways are better than others. As a personal example, many moons ago, I went on a date with a guy I had a big crush on. Because of the out-of-control butterflies in my gut, I lost all of my composure and blurted out every skeleton from my closet as if giving him a costume preview for an upcoming horror movie! Outcome? No second date!
So how do you express your hidden truths without being overwhelming to another? Below are six tips:
- Share feelings in a simple fashion. Most people will welcome knowledge of your emotions as long as you don’t express them within an accusation.
- Take ownership of yourself. While others influence what we think and feel, ultimately we are responsible for our actions.
- Don’t give power to your insecurities, especially those you developed from past relationships. Instead, try presuming that you will be perceived in a positive rather than a negative light, so make room for new beginnings.
- Develop a keener sense as to the difference between your “needs” versus your “preferences.” While we all need acceptance, attention, affection, etc., we don’t need these from any one particular person. Once we become independent, we can get our needs met by a variety of different people. By accepting this reality, we reduce the chance of coming across as “too needy.”
- Gauge your expressions according to your listener’s response. If you share your vulnerabilities and he grimaces, then best to zip up and note the red flag in front of you. But if he leans in with words of compassion and he encourages you to continue, you can increasingly divulge more. Just don’t purge all at once like I did!
- Encourage him to share about his deeper self as well! If it’s all one-sided, you’ll likely create a fear of having said too much. “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours” can be a valuable practice.
Most importantly, as you begin your love affair remember that true intimacy requires fully knowing each other’s insides! So happy sharing!
In A Rut? Five Tips To Break-up The Monotony
All of us get stuck in situations, or with people, where we feel like we’re trapped in some version of “groundhog day.” As such, we may experience our lives as monotonous or boring, even sometimes to the level of purposelessness. Sound familiar? Don’t despair!
Whether you’re entrenched in a dead-end job, a stale relationship, an empty house after your children have launched, or some other unfulfilling circumstance, you can make quick and simple changes to help you feel more excited about life right now! Try the following tips:
- Pick a hobby and take the first step toward starting it. Sometimes it’s easiest to add something new into our lives rather than attempt to massively delete or change major events.
- Identify what it is that’s causing you to be in a rut. Are you afraid to make a change – do you fear failure – do you suffer low self-esteem and don’t feel deserving of something better? These are examples of the many questions you need to ask yourself in order to pinpoint what it is that keeps you stuck.
- Create a vision board. Write out your goals without judgment. Dream big!! Eventually you will fine-tune these items and create practical methods to achieve what is possible.
- Make a goal with three steps to accomplish it within a week. For example, if you are bored with your job, set and intention to research new opportunities. Then 1) pick three job websites and start exploring the various categories, 2) take a vocational skills assessment online and 3) redo your resume.
- Say aloud what it is you change. For example, say “I am happily enjoying changing (fill in the blank) in my life for the better.”
Most Importantly, trust in your own resources! You can do it! But always remember you cannot control other people, places, or things, only your own reaction to them. And, you are responsible for being proactive in your life-so don’t wait around for a magic wand to make things better!
(Note – if you suffer from depression or debilitating anxiety and don’t believe you can make the changes you desire, please seek professional help.)
Top 3 Relationship Killers
Many variables come to play in either making or breaking a relationship. While intimate relationships can often weather many storms and even come out better in the long run, there are three events that will likely shatter even the strongest of bonds.
- Non-remorseful Infidelity: While many relationships have recovered following a transgression, if cheating occurs and there is no “guilt” on the part of the cheater, the relationship is doomed. If there is any chance of healing from the wounds of betrayal, the cheater must genuinely take full responsibility for the act of cheating and demonstrate remorse. If the partner is unaware, the cheater should seek professional counsel on whether to disclose or not. In either case, remember that cheating never solves anything. It only represents a symptom of a larger problem, so fix the problem!
- Promises Repeatedly Broken: Many of us, and people-pleasers especially, feel compelled to tell others things they think others will want to hear. But you’ll be far better served if you pause before you make agreements. Because if you’re not true to your word, you violate the most fundamental component to a healthy relationship; i.e., trust.
- Unexpressed/Unresolved Resentments: (URs) URs create disdain and contempt for one’s partner and ultimately destroy the relationship. URs are like swallowing poison and waiting for the other guy to die. Not a healthy recipe for success! So find a way to rid yourself of them and accept what is or move on.
So unless you’re trying to find a way out–if you’re headed down relationship killer lane on any of these three paths, make a U-turn immediately!
Make Mother’s Day Happy, Despite Unhappy Memories with Mom
Hallmark cards abound with sentiments of love, appreciation and joy; yet so many of us have had strained relationships with our moms. Some have suffered abuse and neglect, whereas others feel they were controlled and unappreciated. For those of you who fall into this category – it may be harder for you to engage in the celebration of Mother’s Day. However, unless the patterns of abuse or dysfunction were so severe that the relationship was entirely null and voided, you can apply a few tips to bypass your resentment and show some love.
- Think positively. More than likely, your mom filled up your cup to some degree. Reflect on a few of the good times with her.
- Make a list of three things you appreciate about your mom. You can share these by writing a gratitude list in a blank card or sending an email.
- Put your mom in a context. Many parents had highly dysfunctional and/or abusive childhood them selves and never had good role models for how to parent. Try to remember that for the most part, your mom probably tried to do the best she could with the tools and resources available to her at the time.
- Practice empathy. If you are a parent – think about all the times in which you behaved less than ideally in raising your own children. If you are not a parent, I’m sure you have not been your stellar self in every relationship. Remember we are all human.
So, for just this “special day,” try to get over yourself. Let your mom know you care. After all, you are an adult. You make your own choices. You have the power to stop the hurt and heal your own wounds now!
Is Commitment Phobic Your Middle Name? 7 Tips to Identify & Rectify!
Do you run from commitment like a rabbit feverishly zig-zagging to avoid the bite of a wild dog? Do you believe you desire an intimate relationship but repeatedly find yourself choosing mates who ultimately lead you toward a dead end street? Or do you date people who give you signals, loudly and clearly, that they don’t want a long-term relationship thereby allowing you to camouflage your own skittishness about taking a relationship to the next level? In any case, you may be suffering from commitment phobia or “CP”.
CP may manifest consciously or unconsciously. With the former, you recognize your fear of long-term intimacy and you either avoid relationships altogether or you may casually date but chronically deal with a fear of being smothered or losing your identity/independence. With the latter, you may repeatedly sabotage any chance of a long-lasting serious relationship or pick others who do the same, all the while not recognizing your own discomfort at the thought of commitment.
If one of these scenarios describes you, please don’t be embarrassed or think less of yourself! Millions and millions of people experience anxiety when contemplating taking the step from casual dating to a more intimate level and long-term decision. But it doesn’t help to simply identify yourself as a commitment-phobe. In fact, simply holding onto a label such as CP can keep you stuck in a cycle of avoiding relationships and/or perpetuating chronic starts and stops, never being truly intimate with anyone.
If you want to give up the phobic position and move toward becoming a commitment-seeker (so you can finally be able to enjoy the many benefits of long-lasting love), please embrace the following tips:
- First and foremost, identify the cause. Where do your commitment issues stem from? CP can originate from as far back as in childhood wherein you may have endured a challenging relationship with a parent and/or observed a caregiver in constant turmoil with a spouse. Or, maybe you experienced a painful relationship with someone who broke your heart because of having cheated on you or who wouldn’t commit when you wanted more from the relationship. While identification of cause is not essential, it can be helpful. So start digging.
- Fulfill small commitments daily, to yourself. Many CP’s not only have difficulty committing to others, but also struggle with taking steps toward things they want for themselves. Make a personal goal and take the steps necessary to achieve it. While this may not be the perfect crossover exercise, it can help lay the foundation for building the muscles of follow-through.
- Do a cost-benefit analysis between commitment and non-commitment. In other words, what do you potentially gain by stepping into a relationship with two feet as opposed to just sticking in a toe? Conversely, what do you stand to lose by diving in completely? Many of the things we may fear about making a commitment don’t have to become reality. For instance, if you fear you will lose your identity or ability to “do your own thing,” you’re not going to take kindly to the idea of investing yourself in a relationship. But in actually, relationship and independence don’t have to be mutually exclusive You are in control of your individuality whether you are in a relationship or not. Also, note that until you can finally embrace the true value of commitment, you’re not likely to be motivated to change your stance. So shake things up a bit in your mindset!
- Take inventory of your previous selection process in picking a mate. There is nothing more reinforcing of CP then continually hanging out with people who would never make a good partner for you. While differences can attract us, similarities more commonly keep people together. So figure out what you really want and be discriminatory on the front-end of building a relationship. If you’ve done a good selection process and then find yourself getting antsy, at least you’ll know that your phobia is running the show, not your true desires and logical judgment.
- Be patient with yourself! Go slowly while getting to know a potential long-term mate. Many commitment phobes dive headfirst into a relationship without paying attention to all of the red-flags and then find themselves saying something like “I can never really get what I want.” With this self-sabotage mechanism, the CP becomes defeated and perpetuates CP. Consciously take a step back and allow yourself to experience each step of the relationship-building process.
- Recognize whether your fear is rational or irrational. For instance, it would be wise to steer clear of a suitor who is known for being a cheater. But fearing commitment with someone who has proven to be reliable, trustworthy, considerate, kind-hearted, etc., would be based on negative projections, most likely stemming from a past relationship. So clear out those skeletons and start with a fresh, open slate.
- Take ownership of your own CP issues. It’s so easy to focus on others who have CP and deny it within our self, when present. But the only way to pave the way toward change is to be accountable and take responsibility for our own issues. So turn the mirror back on you and see what changes you need to make!
Also, it’s ok to choose to go through periods of your life solo. Just make sure your choice to do so makes sense andis not just dictated by fear! Most importantly – remember Rome was not built in a day! If you’ve lived a fairly extensive period of your life embroiled in CP – it may take a bit of time and practice to disembroil yourself within its trenches. If these tips don’t help solve the issue, please seek professional relationship counseling so you won’t keep heading down break-up lane!
Feeling Some Post-holiday Funk? Six Tips To Purge The Emotional Junk And Pave The Way To A New Year Free Of Gunk!
Some of us, myself included, can push ourselves to the limit by constantly trying to please others, giving the perfect gifts, and/or providing holiday cheer to all. While the excitement of all the festivities can exhilarate us to an adrenaline rush akin to jumping out of a plane – we may not always land on two feet. Hence, some will crash, leading to adrenal burnout or, at best, exhaustion!
If this speaks to you – try the following quick tips:
- Practice the word “NO” for one whole week. I mean it. Unless it’s going to cost you your job or mess with your family duties, try rejecting request that you don’t have to do otherwise your energy will be depleted yet again.
- Make time for exercise! This is not a prescription for diet and weight loss. Putting our bodies in motion makes us feel better. Whether you aim for three 10-minute walks a day or a jog in the park – just do something active.
- Eat your greens and other highly nutritional foods. This probably sounds cliché and something your mother has always advised you of doing – but it really makes sense! More than likely you, like the rest of us, indulged in too much of those yummy treats surrounding us at family and friends’ gatherings. Healthy eating gives your body a chance to repair. Besides, you want to be prepared for extra helpings of your favorite chocolate at Valentine’s Day! J
- Without breaking the budget or putting yourself in debt, treat yourself to something you didn’t get as a present, but desperately wanted. A little bit of healthy self-indulgence can actually make room for more compassion and energy for others.
- Make a date with your closest friend or your lover where you can hang out and relax with no pressure to accomplish anything. Simple bonding with another human being can help to soothe built-up tension. And if you can add in a couple of hugs—all the better!
- Release any negative energy that may have developed from unpleasant family interactions. This can come in the form of meditation, journaling, deep breathing, or anything else that invites in positive flow.
So here’s to a funk and gunk-free, slam dunk New Year. Now there’s a mouthful!
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© Copyright Dr. Debra Mandel – All rights reserved.
© Copyright Dr. Debra Mandel – All rights reserved.
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