Self-Image Archives - Dr. Debra Mandel

Anger · Goal Setting · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Self-Image · Self-Love · Spirituality · Stress Management

Feeling Groovy! Five Steps To Turn Attitude Into Gratitude!

Do you ever wake up on the wrong side of the bed wishing the day would pass quickly? Or, ever find yourself nitpicking at trivial things or people, unable to get out of a funk? Well you won’t be the first to admit to having a bad attitude at times nor will you be the last. But you might experience shorter-lived and fewer of these moments if you try the following.

Think opposites! Since positivity opposes negativity, try reversing all negative thoughts into positive ones. For instance, if your thought-for-the-day is “people are cruel” – instead say “many kind-hearted people exist, I should find them!”
Write down five things about you and your life for which you should be grateful. If you can breathe, which I assume you can since you’re reading this, then put that as the first item on your list!
Clear the source of “why” you have a bad attitude. For instance, if someone is mistreating you, then set better boundaries with him or her.
Don’t succumb to the notion that “time heals all wounds” because you’ll be waiting a very long time to feel better. Instead, turn time into your friend by taking positive actions to shake up your ‘tude.
Practice self reliance and accountability. While it’s tempting and often easier to point the finger away from ourselves with regards to how we come to feel what we feel – ultimately it’s our interpretation of events around us that determine our feelings. Hence, if you shift your perception or interpretation of an experience – you can find the silver lining!

And remember, attitudes are contagious. So, what would you like people to catch from you?

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · Anger · Communication · Creativity · Depression · How to Thrive! · Monday Mood Modifier · Self-Image · Self-Love · Spirituality

In A Rut? Five Tips To Break-up The Monotony

All of us get stuck in situations, or with people, where we feel like we’re trapped in some version of “groundhog day.” As such, we may experience our lives as monotonous or boring, even sometimes to the level of purposelessness. Sound familiar? Don’t despair!

Whether you’re entrenched in a dead-end job, a stale relationship, an empty house after your children have launched, or some other unfulfilling circumstance, you can make quick and simple changes to help you feel more excited about life right now! Try the following tips:

Pick a hobby and take the first step toward starting it. Sometimes it’s easiest to add something new into our lives rather than attempt to massively delete or change major events.
Identify what it is that’s causing you to be in a rut. Are you afraid to make a change – do you fear failure – do you suffer low self-esteem and don’t feel deserving of something better? These are examples of the many questions you need to ask yourself in order to pinpoint what it is that keeps you stuck.
Create a vision board. Write out your goals without judgment. Dream big!! Eventually you will fine-tune these items and create practical methods to achieve what is possible.
Make a goal with three steps to accomplish it within a week. For example, if you are bored with your job, set and intention to research new opportunities. Then 1) pick three job websites and start exploring the various categories, 2) take a vocational skills assessment online and 3) redo your resume.
Say aloud what it is you change. For example, say “I am happily enjoying changing (fill in the blank) in my life for the better.”

Most Importantly, trust in your own resources! You can do it! But always remember you cannot control other people, places, or things, only your own reaction to them. And, you are responsible for being proactive in your life-so don’t wait around for a magic wand to make things better!

(Note – if you suffer from depression or debilitating anxiety and don’t believe you can make the changes you desire, please seek professional help.)

October 25, 2023

Creativity · Goal Setting · How to Thrive! · Monday Mood Modifier · Self-Image · Self-Love · Stress Management

New Year, New You: Stop Chasing Resolutions! Start Making the Changes You Desire!

Are you someone who makes New Year resolutions but tend not to follow through? If you answered “yes,” you certainly wouldn’t be alone! In my experience, both professionally and personally, most people rarely make changes in their behavioral patterns simply because of a specified “date.” While positive intentions motivate the aspiration, specific dates and times of the year have no real power to actually press forth a desire to change. Rather, the capacity to make changes comes from igniting an internal fire!

So rather than stating a laundry list of resolutions for the upcoming New Year, get honest with yourself today and initiate one small step toward a goal you’ve been coveting. First, do whatever it takes to get your mood modified so that you will be successful at whatever change you undertake. And then, as said by the Nike marketers, “Just Do It.” For instance, if you want to lose 5 pounds, practice a meditation daily where you visualize fat shedding from your body. Then translate that into a behavioral modification: don’t eat that extra piece of apple pie or that handful of white-chocolate-peppermint covered pretzels at your company’s holiday party. Rather, opt for the veggie platter with a small sampling of the other goodies. Or if you desire engaging in a new hobby in your spare time, like making ceramic bowls, rather than searching for the perfect class at just the right time to fit your schedule, go out and buy some Play-doh and go at it!

Most importantly, remember it is you who controls whether or not you move toward or away from your goals. While life’s circumstances can certainly make our lives harder or easier, don’t forget you are still in the driver’s seat of your life. So, choose and change at your will!

October 25, 2023

Anger · Creativity · Depression · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Self-Image · Self-Love

Treat Your “Inner Child” Like A Superhero!

No one has had a perfect childhood. Rather, most of us endured some sort of hardship, trauma, adversity or, at the very least, something less than ideal while growing up. As a result, whether we are consciously aware or not, we have an “inner child” who carries forward some sort of negative fallout from those early years into our adulthood, and who often aches for some healing. Ideally the emotional healing we often crave for our wounds should have occurred at the time the wounds were created. But more often than not, no such healing comes from the original source, or at the optimal time. As a result, you may have boxed away feelings, memories, or other painful remnants of the past as a way of disconnecting from your inner child. Yet, this split-off part of you will continue to hold anger, resentment, sadness, hurt, etc. until you address these buried feelings. And, the little beast could wreak havoc somewhere in your adult life.

How your inner child inevitability draws attention to her/himself is varied and unpredictable. Regardless, some negative fall-out with regards to interpersonal relationships or self-worth will likely occur. For instance, if you were mistreated as a child by someone significant, such as a parent, you might be drawn toward emotionally abusive relationships in adulthood—not because you are masochistic, but because you are attempting to resolve what wasn’t resolved with your caregiver. Or, you may suffer from an undercurrent of irritability and resentment, causing you to be snippy with others. Yet, this “re-creation” of old wounds with new people won’t repair the past.

The examples above are just a few of the myriad of situations wherein your inner child begs to be acknowledged, yet she doesn’t turn her attention to you because she doesn’t trust that you will be the best source of her healing. Hence, your inner child turns into an inner monster and continually seeks healing in all the wrong places and from all the wrong people, with no satisfaction.

If this speaks to you, it’s time to nip this negative feedback loop in the bud and start treating your inner kid like the superhero she/he is! BTW: this is not a prescription for believing, or acting as if, you are better than others. Rather it’s merely a suggestion for you to embrace all aspects of yourself in order to create a positive relationship with your inner child. Also, you aren’t required to love every aspect of yourself to achieve self-acceptance. In fact, it’s good to regularly evaluate our behavior, and the choices we make, to determine the value of them in our present surroundings. Then we can make changes where we have control. But it’s not okay to shame and berate ourselves or deny our emotional baggage because, without integration and acceptance of ourselves, we cannot thrive!

Don’t know where to begin? Practice the following tips:

Stop being mean to yourself and practice self-love! State five positive affirmations daily. For example, pick a quality you possess such as “compassion” and say aloud: “I am proud to be able to be compassionate and understanding toward others.” Keep the affirmations simple and realistic. Either repeat the same ones or create new ones each day.
Look in the mirror every day and say these words aloud to your reflection: “I am here for you and will love you no matter what.” This is a trust building exercise between the “adult” you and the “child” within you.
Observe a parent who is exceptionally loving toward her infant or toddler. Then practice treating yourself in the same manner. If you don’t know of anyone whom you can emulate, find a character in a movie of TV show, or go to a local park and observe a parent-child interaction.
Smile at least 10 times per day. Don’t feel happy—then fake it, ‘til you make it. And, if you can muster up a good belly laugh or two, that will get you there quicker!
Commend your inner child regularly on having made it through difficult times in the past. Take this a step further and state how grateful you are for being able to give yourself the emotional nurturance you deserve.
Vow to do something playful every day. For instance, play a game you truly enjoyed as a child to remind yourself of fun times or think of a favorite memory and recreate it!
Make sure you attend to your basic needs on a regular basis. You wouldn’t deprive an infant of food if she were crying out with hunger pains, so why would you skip eating when you’re hungry? This applies for all basic needs such as sleep, affection, nurturance, etc.

Above all, use your imagination! After all, “play” is what children do best—so let your inner child have fun!

October 25, 2023

Creativity · How to Thrive! · Self-Image · Self-Love · Stress Management

The Contortionist Mind – How To Untangle From Negative Thinking

The Contortionist Mind- How To Untangle From Negative Thinking

If you’ve ever seen a contortionist willfully twist his body into a pretzel, you’ve probably been awestruck. Like a contortionist, the mind (structurally known as the brain) can bend, stretch, twist and turn in many incredible directions. We use it to think, foreshadow, plan, create, and reminisce about the past. We use our minds to solve complex problems, experience deep emotions, and feel compassion for others.

However, the workings of our minds don’t always bring positive results. Just like a contortionist who doesn’t take proper steps to keep his body extremely strong and limber, our minds can lead us to painful experiences, causing us to doubt, worry, ruminate, contemplate danger when there is none, and stir up feelings of hatred, jealousy, and envy. Our minds can play tricks on us, leading us to distort the truth, go into denial, and even manipulate others for personal gain. Hence, while the mind can bring us happiness and bliss, it can also lead us to misery and despair.

So how do you work with your contortionist mind to create a better inner world for yourself? Try the following tips:

Don’t allow negative thoughts to twist you into a knot. A thought is just a thought unless you give it fuel through action. For example, thinking about slashing your ex-boyfriend’s tires because you found out he was cheating on you is not the same as actually doing it.
Bend negative thoughts into positive ones and take action toward those. For instance, using the example of the tires above, change your thought to “I don’t need to waste time dwelling on an old boyfriend’s behavior.” Then take steps to grieve your loss and create a new dating strategy.
Don’t summersault into catastrophic thinking. Our anxiety can take us from A to Z in a split second if we travel down the “what if” highway of life. Instead replace “what-if” thinking with “what-else” thinking. For example, let’s say you get a flat tire and will be late for work. Instead of pondering the notion that you will surely get fired and then never work again, yada yada, replace the thought with the idea that probably your boss will understand as long as you give him/her a heads up and don’t become a perpetual excuse-giver.
If you hyperextend into fear, trust that you will be able to pull through and handle what’s in front of you. Our bodies are equipped with fight-flight-freeze response. So it’s better to save your survival instincts for occasions where true danger strikes and not waste energy on imagined danger when there is none. Otherwise you’re revving up your nervous system for nothing and ultimately causing yourself unnecessary stress.
Stretch toward the future with positive beliefs. How often do the things you worry about actually come true? Probably not many–unless you’re truly psychic. Hence, it’s far better to believe good things will come to you. Mind you, this is not a directive for practicing denial or self-deception. Rather, it’s simply an encouragement to deal with what’s right in front of you. It is in the present where you ultimately have control, not in the past or in the future.
Practice mental flexibility. While contortionists often have an innate ability to maneuver their bodies in unusual ways, they too must stretch and continually build and maintain good muscle strength. Do not let your mind stay idle. Challenge yourself to think about things in different ways, stretch your comfort zones and always be open to filling up your toolbox of coping mechanisms with new behaviors and actions. For instance, if you tend to be a passive person, work on developing assertiveness.
Strengthen your body with healthy nutrition and exercise. The workings of our minds are dependent on the wellness of our bodies. We cannot have a healthy mind without a healthy body. So don’t skimp on taking good care of your physical wellbeing and your mind will thank you!

October 25, 2023

Body Image · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Self-Image · Self-Love · Spirituality · Stress Management

Vanity Insanity: Stop Obsessing about Beauty Ideals and Be Happy With Who You Are!

photo by Tiffany Luptak – www.tiffanyluptakphotography.com

Let’s face it – there’s no way around the fact that we live in a world obsessed with beauty ideals! Even those among us who claim to not buy into the obsession with physical appearance will sometimes report a gnawing sense of inadequacy, especially when they become trapped in the lair of comparing themselves to images portrayed as the most beautiful people in the world. As if the writers for People magazine ever survey the whole population, let alone have any idea what beauty is. Yet, every year we are inundated with such nonsense.

Of course, there is some survival value to looking our best. We do like attracting mates, and occasionally we may even want to keep one around long-term. J But looking our best is not the same as being beauty obsessed nor is it trying to conform or morph ourselves into someone’s arbitrary determination of what is beautiful and what isn’t. Although cliché—beauty truly lies in the eyes of the beholder. And, because beauty comes in so many different shapes, sizes, and colors, to continually fixate on a narrow vision creates a recipe for self-defeat, insecurities, and low self worth.

how do we stop giving a crap about such trivial matters as to whether or not we missed our hair appointment to cover up the “unsightly” gray, forgot to shave our armpits/legs, or failed to drop those 5 extra pounds before we took a vacation to the Bahamas? Mind you, I’m not suggesting we stop taking care of our exterior appearance. Quite the contrary. I am suggesting,, however, that we stop putting all of our focus on the outer shell and start shifting our attention to internal self-improvement. Here are 6 tips:

Chuck all of your fashion/beauty magazines. These magazines are aimed at making you feel inadequate so you will buy more products and services. Spend your money on more important things.
Focus on becoming the best you– not the best outer shell of you. For example, pick a quality you admire in others, such as being a compassionate person, and work on building up this quality in yourself.
Avoid plastic surgery, Botox, and any other expensive “beauty” enhancing procedures. Instead, try more natural remedies to keep your skin, hair, and nails healthy and vibrant. Too often, people opt for a quick fix instead of putting energy into eating healthfully, exercising, and minimizing stress. These will help create full body care with benefits to physical, mental and emotional wellbeing.
Keep mirror-time to a minimum. It’s ok to look in the mirror from time to time to do your daily routines. But, never ask the question: Mirror, mirror on the wall—who’s the fairest of them all? Unless, of course, you answer: “me.”
Embrace the aging process with excitement and grace! Remember youth doesn’t last forever. So instead of fighting the inevitable, enjoy the process and be appreciative every day of everything about yourself.
Focus your attention on who you are as a person, not what you look like. Build up your inner beauty by increasing self-love, compassion, empathy, generosity, etc.

The obsession with beauty is not an easy problem to solve. Having grown up in a family and subculture heavily focused on the importance of outer appearance, (resulting in a poor self-image and an eating disorder) I understand how hard it can be to ignore, let alone erase, this toxic messaging. But if you practice daily saying “no” to the pressure to chase the arbitrary beauty standards set forth in the media or in your own head, you will begin to feel better. Plus you will ultimately give yourself the biggest gift of all. Your inner light will shine more brightly–the truest beauty of all!

October 25, 2023

Anger · How to Thrive! · Self-Image · Stress Management

When In Doubt: Take a Timeout!

Are you running on empty? Do you feel tired and wish for more sleep but keep waking up with ruminating thoughts on your mind? Do you have too many things on your priority list, finding that you’re too overwhelmed to get any of the items done? Don’t despair!

Take me for example: empty-nester, happily involved with a great guy, wonderful family and friends, two furry felines whom I adore – and yet–not sleeping well. Sometimes I worry over nothing important and feel stressed even when life is relatively good. Since I’m not depressed and currently don’t suffer from anxiety, “Why?,” I ask?

The answer: I have too many things I want to do and I want to do them all at once! Yet we all know there are only so many hours in a day!

I’m not complaining, mind you! This is a good problem to have – but I need to sleep!

The solution: Time to take a timeout. If this reminds you of you – try the following exercise:

Take one day this week, or even a half a day, where you have no obligations and carve out pure “me time.” Do whatever it is you want to do–play music, take a walk, sit by a swimming pool or in the park and be mindful of your breathing. Read a book, make a collage, call up old friends and chat—what you do matters less than how you do it, namely you must spend this time guilt-free! In other words, no regrets or statements that you’ve just wasted time. Au contraire: if you’ve done something to rejuvenate—you’ve given yourself a precious gift, hardly a waste of energy! So make a vow to give yourself a little self-indulgence.

Which reminds me–right now – it’s time for me to pour myself my decaf vanilla nut coffee with a hint of cinnamon, almond milk and Stevia, then dig in to my cage-free, organic certified-humane egg-white omelet, coupled with slice of succulent rye bread with a dollop of whipped cream cheese! How’s that for a mouthful of self-indulgence!

October 25, 2023