Relationships
Sassy & Rude, Her New Attitude
Do you have a strained or emotionally distant relationship with your adult daughter, not knowing what went wrong, let alone how to fix it?
Does your daughter ever snub you or act rudely even when you think your being kind and loving?
Do you crave a deeper and closer bond with her but question wheth- er there is even any hope for repair?
If you’ve answered “yes” to any or all the above, you are among millions of ten- der-loving moms who’ve lost the sugar-and-spice and everything nice with their adult daughters and who desperate desire help. But despair no longer–your res- cue guide has arrived!
Filled with examples and interviews from real-life mothers and daughters, an- ecdotes, exercises, and checklists combined with a tough love, yet compassionate tone, Sassy and Rude provides tangible advice for you to:
Connect the dots between your childhood wounds, your parenting style and your daughter’s sassy factor.
Gain deeper insight into your daughter’s wounded heart.
Stop power struggles once and for all by facing conflict in more constructive ways.
Accept responsibility for your own role in creating the rifts, leaving shame and guilt behind.
Generate realistic expectations coupled with loving boundaries.
If you were sitting in a room with the nation’s top relationship and love experts…what would you ask?
In just a few weeks I will be participating in a revolutionary summit called Let Love In. Join me and other professionals from around the nation as we discuss how to find a Good Man, how to navigate dating, and how to thrive in a long-term relationship! Discover exactly what is holding you back from finding the love of your life. Let go of fear and embrace love.Most of us need relatively equal amounts of work, rest, and play in order to lead a balanced life.
The world, however, doesn’t always cooperate with us and sometimes we have to sacrifice what may well be our most favorite pastime– play! Plus, when we finally find the time to enjoy some fun, we won’t always be in sync with our partners, hence possibly leading to disappointment or conflict!
So you find yourself in a situation wherein you and your lover disagree more than occasionally on how to enjoy time together, here are six tips to help you freshen up your playtime!
1. Make sure that your partner isn’t avoiding contact with you for some unspoken reason. For instance, maybe you’ve made several attempts at having fun together but your “good time” has often deteriorated into a “bad time.” If there is something causing your partner to not want to hang out with you, address whatever it is ASAP!
2. Suggest options that appeal to both of you. If the two of you have varied interests without much overlap, you may need to exercise increased flexibility so that you both find playtime to be enjoyable. Consider taking turns picking the activity so that you each get your first choice evenly.
3. Once you settle on something to do together, even if it isn’t your favorite option, don’t complain. There is nothing worse than hanging out with a spoilsport.
4. Keep your expectations reasonable. Even highly compatible couples don’t always want to do the same thing, let alone at the same time.
5. Be empathetic toward your lover if he/she needs extra rest. Don’t take it personally. Just make sure that there isn’t something physically wrong causing fatigue. And remember: resting together can also sometimes be logged as playtime.
6. Remind your partner that a couple who plays together more likely stays together! Without any sort of pressure – state the importance of the relationship to you and how you want to do whatever you can to help it grow in a healthy way!
Now, most importantly, get in the sandbox and have some fun!!
Feeling Groovy! Five Steps To Turn Attitude Into Gratitude!
Do you ever wake up on the wrong side of the bed wishing the day would pass quickly? Or, ever find yourself nitpicking at trivial things or people, unable to get out of a funk? Well you won’t be the first to admit to having a bad attitude at times nor will you be the last. But you might experience shorter-lived and fewer of these moments if you try the following.
- Think opposites! Since positivity opposes negativity, try reversing all negative thoughts into positive ones. For instance, if your thought-for-the-day is “people are cruel” – instead say “many kind-hearted people exist, I should find them!”
- Write down five things about you and your life for which you should be grateful. If you can breathe, which I assume you can since you’re reading this, then put that as the first item on your list!
- Clear the source of “why” you have a bad attitude. For instance, if someone is mistreating you, then set better boundaries with him or her.
- Don’t succumb to the notion that “time heals all wounds” because you’ll be waiting a very long time to feel better. Instead, turn time into your friend by taking positive actions to shake up your ‘tude.
- Practice self reliance and accountability. While it’s tempting and often easier to point the finger away from ourselves with regards to how we come to feel what we feel – ultimately it’s our interpretation of events around us that determine our feelings. Hence, if you shift your perception or interpretation of an experience – you can find the silver lining!
And remember, attitudes are contagious. So, what would you like people to catch from you?
Six Tips on How to Share Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Fears With A Potential Beau!
No one single “right” way exists on how to share your inner self with a lover. But certainly some ways are better than others. As a personal example, many moons ago, I went on a date with a guy I had a big crush on. Because of the out-of-control butterflies in my gut, I lost all of my composure and blurted out every skeleton from my closet as if giving him a costume preview for an upcoming horror movie! Outcome? No second date!
So how do you express your hidden truths without being overwhelming to another? Below are six tips:
- Share feelings in a simple fashion. Most people will welcome knowledge of your emotions as long as you don’t express them within an accusation.
- Take ownership of yourself. While others influence what we think and feel, ultimately we are responsible for our actions.
- Don’t give power to your insecurities, especially those you developed from past relationships. Instead, try presuming that you will be perceived in a positive rather than a negative light, so make room for new beginnings.
- Develop a keener sense as to the difference between your “needs” versus your “preferences.” While we all need acceptance, attention, affection, etc., we don’t need these from any one particular person. Once we become independent, we can get our needs met by a variety of different people. By accepting this reality, we reduce the chance of coming across as “too needy.”
- Gauge your expressions according to your listener’s response. If you share your vulnerabilities and he grimaces, then best to zip up and note the red flag in front of you. But if he leans in with words of compassion and he encourages you to continue, you can increasingly divulge more. Just don’t purge all at once like I did!
- Encourage him to share about his deeper self as well! If it’s all one-sided, you’ll likely create a fear of having said too much. “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours” can be a valuable practice.
Most importantly, as you begin your love affair remember that true intimacy requires fully knowing each other’s insides! So happy sharing!
Attracting Healthy Love: Forgive Your Ex-partners!
More than likely, if you’ve been active in the intimate relationship world, then you’ve probably been scorned by a former lover or two. As such, you may feel righteous indignation and see no need to forgive him. Or worse, you may even vehemently hold onto your anger as if you had won an Olympic gold medal for the “one who was most wronged” category. However, while you might feel fortified by your resentment toward your ex, resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other guy to die! In other words, holding on to hatred or general disdain for someone who is no longer present in your life will only negatively affect your own mental and emotional wellbeing in the long run. Hence, if your goal is to attract and create healthy love, it’s time to forgive your ex and move on!
You might ask, “Can I forgive someone whose behavior may have been despicable?” Well you can and must. Here’s how:
- Accept what is true—i.e., that you are no longer in a romantic relationship with your ex. You may not like it, but it’s what’s so.
- Accept your ex for who he is, both the good and the bad.
- Recognize that most people do the best they can in their relationships. So simply acknowledge that the relationship did not work out for various reasons and that both of you get to be happy by moving on. (Note, if your former partner intentionally set out to harm you wherein you were seriously abused or harmed, this may be more difficult. But nevertheless, what’s done is done and you must let go.)
- Accept responsibility for your own contribution to why the relationship ended, even if you believe he was the primary cause of the demise. That is not to say that you were equally responsible in all ways, but more than likely you had a part in creating and maintaining the problems. For instance, maybe you stayed in the relationship too long because you believed in his potential though he never said he was going to change. Or maybe you didn’t communicate your needs adequately doing the classic female stance of “why should I ask, when he should just know what I need?” So learn from your mistakes to avoid making the same ones in the future.
Once you practice the tips above– take a deep breath, inhaling your desire for healthy love, an intention to create it, and freedom and hope for the future. Then, release the breath, exhaling all negative feelings toward your ex. Most importantly, appreciate the blessings in your life today and create the fertile ground for the seeds of romance and love to bud and blossom in the future!
Top 3 Relationship Killers
Many variables come to play in either making or breaking a relationship. While intimate relationships can often weather many storms and even come out better in the long run, there are three events that will likely shatter even the strongest of bonds.
- Non-remorseful Infidelity: While many relationships have recovered following a transgression, if cheating occurs and there is no “guilt” on the part of the cheater, the relationship is doomed. If there is any chance of healing from the wounds of betrayal, the cheater must genuinely take full responsibility for the act of cheating and demonstrate remorse. If the partner is unaware, the cheater should seek professional counsel on whether to disclose or not. In either case, remember that cheating never solves anything. It only represents a symptom of a larger problem, so fix the problem!
- Promises Repeatedly Broken: Many of us, and people-pleasers especially, feel compelled to tell others things they think others will want to hear. But you’ll be far better served if you pause before you make agreements. Because if you’re not true to your word, you violate the most fundamental component to a healthy relationship; i.e., trust.
- Unexpressed/Unresolved Resentments: (URs) URs create disdain and contempt for one’s partner and ultimately destroy the relationship. URs are like swallowing poison and waiting for the other guy to die. Not a healthy recipe for success! So find a way to rid yourself of them and accept what is or move on.
So unless you’re trying to find a way out–if you’re headed down relationship killer lane on any of these three paths, make a U-turn immediately!
Don’t Contact Your Ex!
Break-ups come in all varieties from quick-and-simple to lengthy-and-complicated. Whether you have done the dumping or have just been dumped, almost always, a painful healing process ensues. However, just how intense or drawn-out that repair process will be heavily depends on how you deal with your former lover.
What’s the secret to getting through your emotional heartache as quickly as possible? The number one rule: Don’t contact your ex, no matter what! Even if your toilet is overflowing and he has historically been you ever-available handyman, don’t text, don’t call, or reach out in any other way. “Why,” you might ask? Because our minds often play funny tricks on us. And contacting your ex will merely give you the illusion you are still in a relationship with him and, hence, prolong fully realizing and accepting the end of it. In fact, each time you contact him, you set yourself back two steps.
Whether or not you believe me- you have considerable control over how quickly you can bounce back and return to the game of love. But you need to take back your heart and recognize that he is an empty well for water! So what do you do instead to keep the forward momentum going?
If you want to heal like the speed of lightening rather than wallow in sorrow and self-pity, practice the following 3 tips.
- Keep yourself busy. Spend time with supportive family members and friends. Finish a project you’ve been putting on hold or volunteer for your favorite charity.
- Reflect on what went wrong in the relationship. Don’t shame or blame yourself. Rather do an inventory of your own responsibility for the demise of the relationship. When you take accountability of your own actions you enable yourself to have a better relationship in the future.
- Practice self-soothing. One of the reasons why most of us love being in a relationship involves the pleasure we receive from being cuddled by our lover. But his arms no longer reach out for you. So you must learn to give yourself the love and comfort you desire and not turn to him.
Of course, refraining from contact with your ex is no easy task, especially if you are still in love with the dude. Even harder will be those days when you feel so desperate to hear his voice and believe that he is the only one who can make your pain disappear. But no matter how strong the urge becomes, you simply must say “no” to the impulse to contact him. And remember, there are plenty of good guys out there and love will come again!
Make Mother’s Day Happy, Despite Unhappy Memories with Mom
Hallmark cards abound with sentiments of love, appreciation and joy; yet so many of us have had strained relationships with our moms. Some have suffered abuse and neglect, whereas others feel they were controlled and unappreciated. For those of you who fall into this category – it may be harder for you to engage in the celebration of Mother’s Day. However, unless the patterns of abuse or dysfunction were so severe that the relationship was entirely null and voided, you can apply a few tips to bypass your resentment and show some love.
- Think positively. More than likely, your mom filled up your cup to some degree. Reflect on a few of the good times with her.
- Make a list of three things you appreciate about your mom. You can share these by writing a gratitude list in a blank card or sending an email.
- Put your mom in a context. Many parents had highly dysfunctional and/or abusive childhood them selves and never had good role models for how to parent. Try to remember that for the most part, your mom probably tried to do the best she could with the tools and resources available to her at the time.
- Practice empathy. If you are a parent – think about all the times in which you behaved less than ideally in raising your own children. If you are not a parent, I’m sure you have not been your stellar self in every relationship. Remember we are all human.
So, for just this “special day,” try to get over yourself. Let your mom know you care. After all, you are an adult. You make your own choices. You have the power to stop the hurt and heal your own wounds now!
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© Copyright Dr. Debra Mandel – All rights reserved.
© Copyright Dr. Debra Mandel – All rights reserved.
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