Goal Setting

Is Commitment Phobic Your Middle Name? 7 Tips to Identify & Rectify!

Do you run from commitment like a rabbit feverishly zig-zagging to avoid the bite of a wild dog? Do you believe you desire an intimate relationship but repeatedly find yourself choosing mates who ultimately lead you toward a dead end street? Or do you date people who give you signals, loudly and clearly, that they don’t want a long-term relationship thereby allowing you to camouflage your own skittishness about taking a relationship to the next level? In any case, you may be suffering from commitment phobia or “CP”.

CP may manifest consciously or unconsciously. With the former, you recognize your fear of long-term intimacy and you either avoid relationships altogether or you may casually date but chronically deal with a fear of being smothered or losing your identity/independence. With the latter, you may repeatedly sabotage any chance of a long-lasting serious relationship or pick others who do the same, all the while not recognizing your own discomfort at the thought of commitment.

If one of these scenarios describes you, please don’t be embarrassed or think less of yourself! Millions and millions of people experience anxiety when contemplating taking the step from casual dating to a more intimate level and long-term decision. But it doesn’t help to simply identify yourself as a commitment-phobe.  In fact, simply holding onto a label such as CP can keep you stuck in a cycle of avoiding relationships and/or perpetuating chronic starts and stops, never being truly intimate with anyone.

If you want to give up the phobic position and move toward becoming a commitment-seeker (so you can finally be able to enjoy the many benefits of long-lasting love), please embrace the following tips:

1. First and foremost, identify the cause. Where do your commitment issues stem from?  CP can originate from as far back as in childhood wherein you may have endured a challenging relationship with a parent and/or observed a caregiver in constant turmoil with a spouse. Or, maybe you experienced a painful relationship with someone who broke your heart because of having cheated on you or who wouldn’t commit when you wanted more from the relationship. While identification of cause is not essential, it can be helpful. So start digging.
2. Fulfill small commitments daily, to yourself. Many CP’s not only have difficulty committing to others, but also struggle with taking steps toward things they want for themselves. Make a personal goal and take the steps necessary to achieve it. While this may not be the perfect crossover exercise, it can help lay the foundation for building the muscles of follow-through.
3. Do a cost-benefit analysis between commitment and non-commitment. In other words, what do you potentially gain by stepping into a relationship with two feet as opposed to just sticking in a toe? Conversely, what do you stand to lose by diving in completely? Many of the things we may fear about making a commitment don’t have to become reality. For instance, if you fear you will lose your identity or ability to “do your own thing,” you’re not going to take kindly to the idea of investing yourself in a relationship. But in actually, relationship and independence don’t have to be mutually exclusive You are in control of your individuality whether you are in a relationship or not. Also, note that until you can finally embrace the true value of commitment, you’re not likely to be motivated to change your stance. So shake things up a bit in your mindset!
4. Take inventory of your previous selection process in picking a mate. There is nothing more reinforcing of CP then continually hanging out with people who would never make a good partner for you. While differences can attract us, similarities more commonly keep people together. So figure out what you really want and be discriminatory on the front-end of building a relationship. If you’ve done a good selection process and then find yourself getting antsy, at least you’ll know that your phobia is running the show, not your true desires and logical judgment.
5. Be patient with yourself! Go slowly while getting to know a potential long-term mate. Many commitment phobes dive headfirst into a relationship without paying attention to all of the red-flags and then find themselves saying something like “I can never really get what I want.” With this self-sabotage mechanism, the CP becomes defeated and perpetuates CP. Consciously take a step back and allow yourself to experience each step of the relationship-building process.
6. Recognize whether your fear is rational or irrational. For instance, it would be wise to steer clear of a suitor who is known for being a cheater. But fearing commitment with someone who has proven to be reliable, trustworthy, considerate, kind-hearted, etc., would be based on negative projections, most likely stemming from a past relationship. So clear out those skeletons and start with a fresh, open slate.
7. Take ownership of your own CP issues. It’s so easy to focus on others who have CP and deny it within our self, when present. But the only way to pave the way toward change is to be accountable and take responsibility for our own issues. So turn the mirror back on you and see what changes you need to make!

Also, it’s ok to choose to go through periods of your life solo. Just make sure your choice to do so makes sense andis not just dictated by fear! Most importantly – remember Rome was not built in a day! If you’ve lived a fairly extensive period of your life embroiled in CP – it may take a bit of time and practice to disembroil yourself within its trenches. If these tips don’t help solve the issue, please seek professional relationship counseling so you won’t keep heading down break-up lane!