Raising Your Self-Esteem To The Roof

The word “self-esteem” has become as much a part of our daily conversations as the words “hello” and “good-bye.” We know that having it is good; not having it is bad. And we all pursue getting as much of it as we can. Yet despite all the hoopla about it, many of us remain confused about what it is, especially how to get it.

Contrary to the advertising industry’s insinuation that we can feel better about ourselves through the purchasing of certain products, self-esteem doesn’t come in a box. We can’t buy it, sell it, or trade it. We can’t get it from a wearing a certain brand of mascara, driving the fastest car, or morphing our bodies to look like a Victoria’s Secret catalogue model.

Material things (e.g. fancy lotions, handbags, shoes, designer jeans) or superficial alterations (e.g. facials, Botox injections, losing ten pounds) can provide a temporary boost in self-esteem, but the effects won’t last because they aren’t attached to anything solid within our inner core being. Even impressive accomplishments, like getting a bonus for a job well done, achieving a long-term goal, or winning a Pulitzer Prize won’t create self-esteem if we haven’t already developed an ample supply of it.

So what in the world is this elusive concept of self-esteem? Where does it come from? And how can we raise it to the roof?

Three Ingredients to Healthy Self-esteem

As a psychologist with over twenty years experience helping people build a healthy self-image, I’ve come to view self-esteem as comprised of three essential ingredients: self-love, integrity and responsibility.

Self-love (the experience of embracing, respecting and valuing our core being) allows us to be nurturing toward ourselves. Plus it enables us to generate compassion and empathy for others. Integrity (behaving in symphony with our core values) provides the validation of our self worth, hence, making it real. (After all, if we don’t do as we say or say what we mean, we won’t be trusted and then any sense of self-value becomes based on a facade.) Responsibility (being accountable for our actions, feelings and thoughts) perpetuates acceptance of our mistakes, humility for our imperfections, and the energy to strive for self-improvement.

These three components provide the foundation to feel good about ourselves, thereby generating a healthy self-image. Practicing self-love, integrity and responsibility helps to create a balance between appreciating ourselves and valuing others. Self-esteem doesn’t imply arrogance, as so many of us fear. It does, however, generate confidence and inner strength.

Ideally, our self-esteem develops in childhood. Caregivers create the foundation for positive self-value through demonstrations of love, kindness and respect for our views and opinions and a healthy dose of boundaries and structure. When we receive these goodies throughout our youth, the maintenance of our self-esteem in adulthood becomes a fairly easy task. However, since so many caregivers lack their own self-worth, they fail to pass along the necessary supplies of unconditional love, admiration, respect, positive reinforcement, healthy limits and discipline to their own children. Thus, many people enter adulthood with holes in the foundation.

The good news is that, even if you didn’t get your emotional needs met and/or if your caregivers treated you in ways that left you feeling unworthy, you can build your self-esteem at any stage of life.

While the challenge may not be easy, if you practice the following tips, you should begin to see positive effects right away.

1. Get rid of any negative messages you’ve been holding onto from the past. Even if you believe them to be true, it won’t do you any good to harp on them. Transform these negative codes into realistic, positive appraisals. For instance, change “I’m unattractive” into “I have many qualities that appeal to others.”
2. Claim your right to receive positive energy. Make an active statement daily that     emphasizes that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Don’t settle for anything less from anyone, especially from your own self.
3. Identify your core values and be sure to behave in accordance with them. When we behave outside our value system we create what is called “cognitive dissonance.” The dissonance can lead to anxiety and depression—two very big destroyers of self-esteem. It’s okay to make value adjustments throughout one’s life—but just be aware of what you believe in and be consistent with your actions.
4. Make every effort to lead a productive life. If you tend to be lazy or to procrastinate, then figure out why, and spend your freed-up energy toward living fully.
5. Keep a healthy balance between honoring your own needs and respecting those of others. People with positive self-regard, are not selfish but they know how to be self-focused while also caring about other people.

Most importantly, if these self-help methods don’t work or you feel stuck in the trenches, you owe it to yourself to get professional help. The very act of seeking help can be the first step toward building self-esteem!

A Quick Guide for Women on Increasing Self-Love

Become the Best You!

Self-hatred, feelings of inadequacy, envy of others and insecurity plague so many women. The media floods us with unrealistic images of the perfect body. Online and magazine articles direct us on how to lose ten pounds overnight, equating happiness with weight loss. We’re offered breast implants, liposuction, and collagen injections. The message—We’re not okay as we are!

The more we buy the media prescribed ideal and believe we fall short, the more ammunition we give to the process of self-attack. As such, we easily get sucked into a perpetual cycle of changing our beings, never fully appreciating our outer or inner essence. Plus, self-devaluation breeds a tendency to compare ourselves less favorably to others around us and the vicious cycle ensues.

Jenny follows multiple Instagram accounts suggesting healthier food options, but she can never stick to them for more than a week or so. She’s tried every diet imaginable–losing ten pounds, then gaining back fifteen. Though she is strong and healthy, she will never look like the swimsuit models on Instagram who have thousands of followers. Because she was teased for being plump as a child, she grew to despise her body. She doesn’t see the beauty of her curves.

Vanessa, a young woman blessed with thick, dark, curly hair, spends all of her spare change getting it straightened and dyeing it blond. Meanwhile her friends spend their last dollars on hair thickening devices and curling irons trying to get some wave and bounce to their dos. They all focus on what they don’t have rather than what they do have.

The problem extends beyond physicality. Many women also devalue aspects of their personality. “No man will ever want me. A woman has to submissive and soft-spoken to be desirable. I’m far too outspoken to ever be thought of as sexy,” Karen would mutter in our therapy sessions, actually believing this nonsense.

Like Jenny, Vanessa, and Karen we can’t possibly feel good about ourselves as long as we do this treacherous dance of devaluing our being and continually forcing a change. There’s certainly nothing wrong with bettering ourselves, but we must ask–“What’s the motivation?”

Whenever we pursue change because of self-consciousness, fear of being different from others or because of trying to achieve an unreal standard, we enter into dangerous territory. We keep ourselves prisoners of some unreasonable standard and we can never truly live happily.

After twenty years of clinical practice as a psychologist, I’ve come to believe that the key to happiness and peace is to embrace ourselves fully, both our strengths and our limitations. In fact, in many situations, what we often perceive to be our faults can become our greatest assets. But only once we make these qualities work for us.

If you have a quality that you don’t truly care for, it’s okay to work on changing it. But it has to come from a place of acceptance and self-love, not from a pool of criticism and hostility. Plus, the best bonus of all is that when we cherish our own uniqueness, we open the door to being able to celebrate and respect differences in others. Only then can we finally rid ourselves of conditions like prejudice, sexism and racism.

Once Jenny learned to embrace the fullness of her body, she gave up the yo-yo, dieting rituals. She developed a healthy attitude toward food and actually grew to enjoy exercising, ultimately accentuating her strength and appreciating her power. Plus, she stopped torturing herself with unrealistic images portrayed in social media.

Vanessa stopped wasting so much money trying to live out the “blondes have more fun” and “straighter is better” syndromes. Instead she came to enjoy accessorizing the mop she was given.

Karen finally stopped silencing herself. While she opted to learn the art of tactful expression, she came to also embrace her outgoing personality. She could finally appreciate that she didn’t have to be one or the other—both qualities could co-exist.

You, too, can appreciate and love your unique qualities by using the following tips:

1. Acknowledge and heal the wounds from your childhood that get in the way of your ability to cherish yourself. For instance, if a caregiver treated you badly, accept that this was a limitation of your caregiver, not a reflection of your worthiness.
2. Get rid of shame, negative self-talk and a harsh inner critic. Replace with words and actions of kindness and encouragement.
3. Hold yourself proudly in the world (fake it if you have to until you believe in yourself).
4. Unless you intentionally set out to hurt others or act immorally, stop punishing yourself. Save guilt and remorse for when you really do something wrong.
5. Celebrate yourself regularly. Spend at least fifteen minutes per day actively acknowledging the good you bring into the world. If you have trouble thinking of the positive, let your friends and loved ones help you until you internalize the message.

If you find that you can’t break the cycle of self-negativity, then please seek counseling. After all, you deserve to feel better about yourself!