About Psychotherapy Archives - Dr. Debra Mandel

About Psychotherapy · Anger · Depression · How to Thrive! · Monday Mood Modifier · Self-Love · Stress Management

Seven Tips to Turn Pain into Positivity

When people hear the words “pain” and “positivity” in the same sentence, they often react with “No way–that’s an oxymoron!” But the two experiences don’t have to be mutually exclusive!

Let me explain.

Recently, I threw out my back. Not the simple tweak (i.e., ice pack, anti-inflammatory, and a day of rest to relieve the discomfort), but rather the kind that inspires the all-out reaction of, “OMG–will I ever be able to walk pain-free again?!” By the 10th day of barely being able to care for myself without crying out in agony, my mind went to some pretty dark places. Fortunately, I’m one of the lucky ones since my back-condition only yields acute-pain (i.e., temporary rather than chronic). Plus, I have considerable control over flare-ups based on how I treat my body. But pain is pain and what I learned is that our mind-set and our actions toward pain directly correlate with how we end up feeling. Hence, if we approach pain with doom and gloom, our pain might worsen. But if we stay hopeful and create proactive solutions, we might very well find ourselves feeling less pain!

While my heart goes out to anyone who experiences suffering and I certainly understand that simple quick fix tips won’t help everyone, for those who experience temporary discomfort (be it physical or even emotional), below are some ideas/actions on how to turn negative thoughts surrounding pain into some level of positivity.

Release your negative thoughts to the Universe. You can do this by journaling and then burning the paper. Or create any ritual of expression, followed by an action of cleansing.
Make a gratitude list. No matter how dire your situation- if you are still breathing – you continue to have the gift of life. Don’t undervalue it.
State five positive affirmations and shout them aloud five times per day. These don’t have to be grandiose like “I’m the coolest person on the planet” just realistic and positive. For instance, you might say- “Regardless of my pain, I still remain a generous person.”
Say “NO” to dark thoughts! Remember, a thought is just a thought unless you fuel it by action. So if you have a negative thought, visualize a stop sign and a detour onto a new path. Move away from negativity and take the route of positivity.
Ask for help when you need it. I know so many people who practice the “suck-it-up method” instead of the “I could really use your help” method. Of course, we want to spread out the requests so we don’t burn out any one person. But keep in mind that friends are not just for fair-weather but also for the stormy times!
Seek proper medical advice. Whether you practice Eastern, Western, or some other type of medical philosophy – pursue all remedies available and choose the ones best suited for your situation.
Practice prevention. Do everything you can on a daily basis to keep your body and mind strong and healthy. Sometimes we have to push through our pain; and other times, we need to pamper ourselves. Learn what’s better for you.

Most importantly, remember that a little bit of light can go along way!

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · Communication · Online Dating · Relationships · Romance

Six Tips on How to Share Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Fears With A Potential Beau!

No one single “right” way exists on how to share your inner self with a lover. But certainly some ways are better than others. As a personal example, many moons ago, I went on a date with a guy I had a big crush on. Because of the out-of-control butterflies in my gut, I lost all of my composure and blurted out every skeleton from my closet as if giving him a costume preview for an upcoming horror movie! Outcome? No second date!

So how do you express your hidden truths without being overwhelming to another? Below are six tips:

Share feelings in a simple fashion. Most people will welcome knowledge of your emotions as long as you don’t express them within an accusation.
Take ownership of yourself. While others influence what we think and feel, ultimately we are responsible for our actions.
Don’t give power to your insecurities, especially those you developed from past relationships. Instead, try presuming that you will be perceived in a positive rather than a negative light, so make room for new beginnings.
Develop a keener sense as to the difference between your “needs” versus your “preferences.” While we all need acceptance, attention, affection, etc., we don’t need these from any one particular person. Once we become independent, we can get our needs met by a variety of different people. By accepting this reality, we reduce the chance of coming across as “too needy.”
Gauge your expressions according to your listener’s response. If you share your vulnerabilities and he grimaces, then best to zip up and note the red flag in front of you. But if he leans in with words of compassion and he encourages you to continue, you can increasingly divulge more. Just don’t purge all at once like I did!
Encourage him to share about his deeper self as well! If it’s all one-sided, you’ll likely create a fear of having said too much. “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours” can be a valuable practice.

Most importantly, as you begin your love affair remember that true intimacy requires fully knowing each other’s insides! So happy sharing!

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · Goal Setting · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Romance · Self-Love

Attracting Healthy Love: Forgive Your Ex-partners!

More than likely, if you’ve been active in the intimate relationship world, then you’ve probably been scorned by a former lover or two. As such, you may feel righteous indignation and see no need to forgive him. Or worse, you may even vehemently hold onto your anger as if you had won an Olympic gold medal for the “one who was most wronged” category. However, while you might feel fortified by your resentment toward your ex, resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other guy to die! In other words, holding on to hatred or general disdain for someone who is no longer present in your life will only negatively affect your own mental and emotional wellbeing in the long run. Hence, if your goal is to attract and create healthy love, it’s time to forgive your ex and move on!

You might ask, “Can I forgive someone whose behavior may have been despicable?” Well you can and must. Here’s how:

Accept what is true—i.e., that you are no longer in a romantic relationship with your ex. You may not like it, but it’s what’s so.
Accept your ex for who he is, both the good and the bad.
Recognize that most people do the best they can in their relationships. So simply acknowledge that the relationship did not work out for various reasons and that both of you get to be happy by moving on. (Note, if your former partner intentionally set out to harm you wherein you were seriously abused or harmed, this may be more difficult. But nevertheless, what’s done is done and you must let go.)
Accept responsibility for your own contribution to why the relationship ended, even if you believe he was the primary cause of the demise. That is not to say that you were equally responsible in all ways, but more than likely you had a part in creating and maintaining the problems. For instance, maybe you stayed in the relationship too long because you believed in his potential though he never said he was going to change. Or maybe you didn’t communicate your needs adequately doing the classic female stance of “why should I ask, when he should just know what I need?” So learn from your mistakes to avoid making the same ones in the future.

Once you practice the tips above– take a deep breath, inhaling your desire for healthy love, an intention to create it, and freedom and hope for the future. Then, release the breath, exhaling all negative feelings toward your ex. Most importantly, appreciate the blessings in your life today and create the fertile ground for the seeds of romance and love to bud and blossom in the future!

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · Anger · Communication · Creativity · Depression · How to Thrive! · Monday Mood Modifier · Self-Image · Self-Love · Spirituality

In A Rut? Five Tips To Break-up The Monotony

All of us get stuck in situations, or with people, where we feel like we’re trapped in some version of “groundhog day.” As such, we may experience our lives as monotonous or boring, even sometimes to the level of purposelessness. Sound familiar? Don’t despair!

Whether you’re entrenched in a dead-end job, a stale relationship, an empty house after your children have launched, or some other unfulfilling circumstance, you can make quick and simple changes to help you feel more excited about life right now! Try the following tips:

Pick a hobby and take the first step toward starting it. Sometimes it’s easiest to add something new into our lives rather than attempt to massively delete or change major events.
Identify what it is that’s causing you to be in a rut. Are you afraid to make a change – do you fear failure – do you suffer low self-esteem and don’t feel deserving of something better? These are examples of the many questions you need to ask yourself in order to pinpoint what it is that keeps you stuck.
Create a vision board. Write out your goals without judgment. Dream big!! Eventually you will fine-tune these items and create practical methods to achieve what is possible.
Make a goal with three steps to accomplish it within a week. For example, if you are bored with your job, set and intention to research new opportunities. Then 1) pick three job websites and start exploring the various categories, 2) take a vocational skills assessment online and 3) redo your resume.
Say aloud what it is you change. For example, say “I am happily enjoying changing (fill in the blank) in my life for the better.”

Most Importantly, trust in your own resources! You can do it! But always remember you cannot control other people, places, or things, only your own reaction to them. And, you are responsible for being proactive in your life-so don’t wait around for a magic wand to make things better!

(Note – if you suffer from depression or debilitating anxiety and don’t believe you can make the changes you desire, please seek professional help.)

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · Anger · Communication · Relationships · Romance · Self-Love

Top 3 Relationship Killers

Many variables come to play in either making or breaking a relationship. While intimate relationships can often weather many storms and even come out better in the long run, there are three events that will likely shatter even the strongest of bonds.

Non-remorseful Infidelity: While many relationships have recovered following a transgression, if cheating occurs and there is no “guilt” on the part of the cheater, the relationship is doomed. If there is any chance of healing from the wounds of betrayal, the cheater must genuinely take full responsibility for the act of cheating and demonstrate remorse. If the partner is unaware, the cheater should seek professional counsel on whether to disclose or not. In either case, remember that cheating never solves anything. It only represents a symptom of a larger problem, so fix the problem!

Promises Repeatedly Broken: Many of us, and people-pleasers especially, feel compelled to tell others things they think others will want to hear. But you’ll be far better served if you pause before you make agreements. Because if you’re not true to your word, you violate the most fundamental component to a healthy relationship; i.e., trust.

Unexpressed/Unresolved Resentments: (URs) URs create disdain and contempt for one’s partner and ultimately destroy the relationship. URs are like swallowing poison and waiting for the other guy to die. Not a healthy recipe for success! So find a way to rid yourself of them and accept what is or move on.

So unless you’re trying to find a way out–if you’re headed down relationship killer lane on any of these three paths, make a U-turn immediately!

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · Depression · Relationships · Romance · Self-Love · Stress Management

Don’t Contact Your Ex!

Break-ups come in all varieties from quick-and-simple to lengthy-and-complicated. Whether you have done the dumping or have just been dumped, almost always, a painful healing process ensues. However, just how intense or drawn-out that repair process will be heavily depends on how you deal with your former lover.

What’s the secret to getting through your emotional heartache as quickly as possible? The number one rule: Don’t contact your ex, no matter what! Even if your toilet is overflowing and he has historically been you ever-available handyman, don’t text, don’t call, or reach out in any other way. “Why,” you might ask? Because our minds often play funny tricks on us. And contacting your ex will merely give you the illusion you are still in a relationship with him and, hence, prolong fully realizing and accepting the end of it. In fact, each time you contact him, you set yourself back two steps.

Whether or not you believe me- you have considerable control over how quickly you can bounce back and return to the game of love. But you need to take back your heart and recognize that he is an empty well for water! So what do you do instead to keep the forward momentum going?

If you want to heal like the speed of lightening rather than wallow in sorrow and self-pity, practice the following 3 tips.

Keep yourself busy. Spend time with supportive family members and friends. Finish a project you’ve been putting on hold or volunteer for your favorite charity.
Reflect on what went wrong in the relationship. Don’t shame or blame yourself. Rather do an inventory of your own responsibility for the demise of the relationship. When you take accountability of your own actions you enable yourself to have a better relationship in the future.
Practice self-soothing. One of the reasons why most of us love being in a relationship involves the pleasure we receive from being cuddled by our lover. But his arms no longer reach out for you. So you must learn to give yourself the love and comfort you desire and not turn to him.

Of course, refraining from contact with your ex is no easy task, especially if you are still in love with the dude. Even harder will be those days when you feel so desperate to hear his voice and believe that he is the only one who can make your pain disappear. But no matter how strong the urge becomes, you simply must say “no” to the impulse to contact him. And remember, there are plenty of good guys out there and love will come again!

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · Communication · Relationships

Make Mother’s Day Happy, Despite Unhappy Memories with Mom

Hallmark cards abound with sentiments of love, appreciation and joy; yet so many of us have had strained relationships with our moms. Some have suffered abuse and neglect, whereas others feel they were controlled and unappreciated. For those of you who fall into this category – it may be harder for you to engage in the celebration of Mother’s Day. However, unless the patterns of abuse or dysfunction were so severe that the relationship was entirely null and voided, you can apply a few tips to bypass your resentment and show some love.

Think positively. More than likely, your mom filled up your cup to some degree. Reflect on a few of the good times with her.
Make a list of three things you appreciate about your mom. You can share these by writing a gratitude list in a blank card or sending an email.
Put your mom in a context. Many parents had highly dysfunctional and/or abusive childhood them selves and never had good role models for how to parent. Try to remember that for the most part, your mom probably tried to do the best she could with the tools and resources available to her at the time.
Practice empathy. If you are a parent – think about all the times in which you behaved less than ideally in raising your own children. If you are not a parent, I’m sure you have not been your stellar self in every relationship. Remember we are all human.

So, for just this “special day,” try to get over yourself. Let your mom know you care. After all, you are an adult. You make your own choices. You have the power to stop the hurt and heal your own wounds now!

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · ADD/ADHD · Communication · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Self-Love · Stress Management

Lose the Shame and Get Back in the Game of Life—8 Tips to Accept Your Mistakes and Move Forward with Positivity!

Do you beat yourself up over minor mistakes? Do you often feel bad about yourself and see others as better than you? Do you take less than you deserve in life because you fear others won’t like you or might see you as greedy? If so, more than likely you suffer from too much shame. Unlike guilt (the experience we have when we’ve done something wrong), shame is a state-of-being wherein we perceive ourselves as unworthy, damaged, and/or underserving of having our needs met.

Trust me. No one understands the consequences of excessive shame better than I do. I lived the first half of my life plagued by it. Shame causes us to treat ourselves badly and prohibits us from living fully and happily in our lives. Sure, we all need a small dose of it, now and again, to keep us humble and able to be civilized. But when shame runs the show, we’re doomed.

Sadly, those who need to experience shame, like serial killers, rapists, child molesters, etc., often don’t even have a conscience at all, let alone the capacity to judge themselves harshly. Whereas “good people,” who occasionally make mistakes or do the wrong thing, often become mired in a state of shame. And even sadder, these same folks often don’t believe they deserve any better.

What does shame get you? More shame and a perpetual existence of making yourself small. Or sometimes people compensate for deep feelings of deprivation due to shame and secretly harbor excessive entitlement! Neither makes for a happy existence.

So if the above describes you—try the following 8 tips to help you unplug from the negativity of shame and move into the realm of positivity!

Say aloud five kind things about yourself daily. These don’t have to be grandiose as in “I’m the greatest person on earth.” But instead, for instance, if you are a compassionate person, then honor that quality. (BTW- if your shame prevents you from being able to identify any characteristics to admire in yourself, then ask a friend or loved one to give you ideas.)
Do something for yourself you would not ordinarily do – get a massage, indulge in a one-hour bubble bath or take a drive somewhere you find beautiful. When we act as if we are worthy and meaningful, we usually start to feel more important.
Practice the mantra – “I can’t please all people all of the time.” Furthermore, try to remember that most of the time it really doesn’t matter what other people think about us! But what we think about our own selves matters the most!
Make note that good people sometimes do not-so-good things. This fact, however, does not equate with being a bad or unworthy person. Cut yourself some slack. Acknowledge your mistakes and then move on.
Stop trying to control things you have no control over. There is no better way than to feel ineffective and bad about yourself than by expecting yourself to be able to fix something that isn’t in your power to fix, e.g. like other people places and things. So instead, take control of what is in your power, that is, your own feelings, thoughts, and actions!
Create a balance between doing things for yourself and doing things for others. It’s wonderful to be generous with our time and energy for the good of others. But when we do so at the expense of meeting our own needs, we will ultimately drown. So make sure you remember yourself in the process. And please note—when you’re doing things for others – it should come from a place of generosity, not from trying to prove you are valuable.
Don’t let childhood wounds dictate how you feel about yourself in adulthood. If you were treated badly – remember that you have the power to treat yourself well today.
Avoid negative people or those who provide unconstructive criticism, if you can. It’s not likely to be able to completely eliminate harsh or demanding people from our lives, but when it’s a viable option, take it! For instance, while we may have to deal with a crotchety co-worker for a year or so in order to get the promotion you’re waiting for–there’s no need to continue a friendship with someone who is never there for you in your time of need but who will readily suck all of your time and attention for her benefit!

I’m well aware that these tips may be very hard to implement, particularly for those who have been badly abused or neglected in their lives. But the transformation of shame into healthy self-worth must be done in order to have the freedom to choose a happy existence in adulthood. So if shame is the block to your sense of wellbeing, get help now! If you can’t afford professional counseling, use alternate resources such as support groups, self-help books, or other community offerings. Help is available if you seek it!!

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy

8 Tips to Finding the Right Therapist

Are you thinking of taking the plunge into psychotherapy, but you’re not sure where to begin? Or, have you ever had a less than positive therapy experience, even a really bad one, because you didn’t know what to look for in a therapist or how to adequately screen for one? If you’ve answered “yes” to either or both of the above questions, you’re not alone. And, hopefully this article will give you some pointers for how to find a therapist who is a good match for you.

Regardless of the growing strictness in regulating people’s business, we live in an age where just about anyone can call her/himself a healer or therapist, even if she/he has no qualifications or credentials. And while many of these people may be well-intended, they may actually cause more harm than good. Even within the realm of qualified, licensed psychotherapists there exist many professionals who should probably consider moving into another field or retiring altogether.

Trust me. I’ve heard all sorts of horror stories of people who’ve endured bad therapy experiences (e.g. the therapist falls asleep during sessions, shows up repeatedly late and blames the clients, or encourages clients to continue therapy just because the therapist needs to fill the hour). While these are obviously negligent professionals, even some really great therapists who are highly competent and ethical aren’t a good match for all potential clients.

Because we usually seek help when we’re in a vulnerable state, we may not even recognize when we’re not receiving adequate care. Thus, we can easily be taken advantage of by people who are just looking to make a buck and/or who don’t truly care about their well-being. But don’t despair! With a little extra homework on your part and practicing the tips below, you can at least safeguard yourself from a therapy nightmare. And if you do end up in psychotherapy with someone you believe is harming you or who isn’t helping you, trust your instincts and seek consultation from someone else.

Here we go:

1. Check the therapist’s credentials. The categories of people who are qualified to provide psychotherapy include: a psychologist (holds a Ph.D. or Psy.D. and has been licensed at the doctoral level), an M.F.T. (someone who’s been licensed at the masters level who may or may not also hold a Ph.D.), an L.C.S.W. (clinical social worker also licensed at a masters level who may or may not also hold a Ph.D.) and a psychiatrist (an M.D. who’s been licensed to prescribe medicine). All psychiatrists can prescribe medication, but only some are also trained to provide psychotherapy.

2. If you’ve been referred to an unlicensed practitioner such as a life coach, make sure the person has solid references. For example, the two most popular media personalities, Dr. Laura and Dr. Phil, do not have licenses to practice psychotherapy. They merely offer advice within an entertainment context. Yet many people would swear by their advice, seeing it as being as good as gold. Just be cautious, however, in seeking help from an unlicensed “healer” as you will not be protected by any regulatory board that monitors ethical practices or important things like confidentiality. In other words, you won’t have a leg to stand on should you be wronged or harmed and wish to seek some kind of restitution.

3. Find out the professional’s areas of expertise or specialties. Many therapists have a broad range of experience, especially if they’ve been practicing for a number of years. But some have very specialized education and training in particular areas (e.g., depression, anxiety, dealing with grief/loss, coping with a spouse who has a mental condition, or post-traumatic stress disorder, to name just a few). If you’re seeking therapy for a particular issue or condition, try to find someone who really knows her stuff in that area.

4. Do your homework about philosophy and practice. There are as many orientations and styles of psychotherapies as there are brands of cereals. Do some research and get acquainted with the various methods and theoretical backgrounds. Some therapists only practice within one particular school of thought whereas others have a more eclectic style, combining a number of different treatment methods and modalities. Some therapies focus more on how a person’s past effects her current behavior (e.g., psychoanalytic, psychodynamic, object-relations, self-psychology), others focus more on present environment with far less concern for history (e.g., cognitive, behavioral, rational-emotive, gestalt). Each style has certain advantages and disadvantages depending on the nature of your issues and your own expectations.

5. Be proactive in thinking about your goals. Are you seeking a guidance counselor, or are you seeking in-depth self analysis? Do you want someone who actively listens but refrains from giving too much input or do you want someone who will say what he thinks and will actively give direction on how to change? Do you want a deep understanding of the origins of your issues or just tools to cope better in the present? Answering these questions can help give you a better idea of what you’re hoping to gain, and hence less chance of disappointment from the therapy. For instance if you’re seeking active advice better to not begin with a therapist who mainly provides a good listening ear and empathy, but who won’t give suggestions.

6. Do some therapist shopping before affirmatively deciding on one. Just like most people don’t go out and buy the first car they see without a test drive and some comparative shopping, selecting the first therapist off a list may not serve you very well. Though this can sometimes work out just fine if the person came very highly recommended by a trusted source, you should probably consider at least making an initial appointment with a few different therapists or at least interviewing a few over the phone. Then based on information and intuition, make a decision. And always keep in mind that you are free to end any therapeutic relationship if it’s not working out for you.

7. Don’t settle for a “head nodder.” While it’s a good idea to seek a therapist whom you believe understands you, it’s also a good idea to find someone who will challenge you to some degree. After all, you’re most likely seeking help to be able to grow and improve your life and while it may feel the best to just be validated, it’s often through experiencing some discomfort that we make the most meaningful changes.

8. Be realistic. Psychotherapists are not mind-readers and they don’t offer magical cures. You need to take positive action toward your own well-being by actually making the suggested changes. It’s not reasonable to expect that you will grow and thrive if you don’t apply what you learn in therapy outside of the sessions. If you try out what you learn and it turns out not to work for you, then speak up. Most good therapists will welcome your feedback and modify their approach if they’re able. And should a conflict in style or expectations emerge and you’re not getting anywhere in your healing process, you can ask for referral

October 25, 2023