Relationships Archives - Page 2 of 3 - Dr. Debra Mandel

About Psychotherapy · Goal Setting · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Romance · Self-Love

Attracting Healthy Love: Forgive Your Ex-partners!

More than likely, if you’ve been active in the intimate relationship world, then you’ve probably been scorned by a former lover or two. As such, you may feel righteous indignation and see no need to forgive him. Or worse, you may even vehemently hold onto your anger as if you had won an Olympic gold medal for the “one who was most wronged” category. However, while you might feel fortified by your resentment toward your ex, resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other guy to die! In other words, holding on to hatred or general disdain for someone who is no longer present in your life will only negatively affect your own mental and emotional wellbeing in the long run. Hence, if your goal is to attract and create healthy love, it’s time to forgive your ex and move on!

You might ask, “Can I forgive someone whose behavior may have been despicable?” Well you can and must. Here’s how:

Accept what is true—i.e., that you are no longer in a romantic relationship with your ex. You may not like it, but it’s what’s so.
Accept your ex for who he is, both the good and the bad.
Recognize that most people do the best they can in their relationships. So simply acknowledge that the relationship did not work out for various reasons and that both of you get to be happy by moving on. (Note, if your former partner intentionally set out to harm you wherein you were seriously abused or harmed, this may be more difficult. But nevertheless, what’s done is done and you must let go.)
Accept responsibility for your own contribution to why the relationship ended, even if you believe he was the primary cause of the demise. That is not to say that you were equally responsible in all ways, but more than likely you had a part in creating and maintaining the problems. For instance, maybe you stayed in the relationship too long because you believed in his potential though he never said he was going to change. Or maybe you didn’t communicate your needs adequately doing the classic female stance of “why should I ask, when he should just know what I need?” So learn from your mistakes to avoid making the same ones in the future.

Once you practice the tips above– take a deep breath, inhaling your desire for healthy love, an intention to create it, and freedom and hope for the future. Then, release the breath, exhaling all negative feelings toward your ex. Most importantly, appreciate the blessings in your life today and create the fertile ground for the seeds of romance and love to bud and blossom in the future!

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · Anger · Communication · Relationships · Romance · Self-Love

Top 3 Relationship Killers

Many variables come to play in either making or breaking a relationship. While intimate relationships can often weather many storms and even come out better in the long run, there are three events that will likely shatter even the strongest of bonds.

Non-remorseful Infidelity: While many relationships have recovered following a transgression, if cheating occurs and there is no “guilt” on the part of the cheater, the relationship is doomed. If there is any chance of healing from the wounds of betrayal, the cheater must genuinely take full responsibility for the act of cheating and demonstrate remorse. If the partner is unaware, the cheater should seek professional counsel on whether to disclose or not. In either case, remember that cheating never solves anything. It only represents a symptom of a larger problem, so fix the problem!

Promises Repeatedly Broken: Many of us, and people-pleasers especially, feel compelled to tell others things they think others will want to hear. But you’ll be far better served if you pause before you make agreements. Because if you’re not true to your word, you violate the most fundamental component to a healthy relationship; i.e., trust.

Unexpressed/Unresolved Resentments: (URs) URs create disdain and contempt for one’s partner and ultimately destroy the relationship. URs are like swallowing poison and waiting for the other guy to die. Not a healthy recipe for success! So find a way to rid yourself of them and accept what is or move on.

So unless you’re trying to find a way out–if you’re headed down relationship killer lane on any of these three paths, make a U-turn immediately!

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · Depression · Relationships · Romance · Self-Love · Stress Management

Don’t Contact Your Ex!

Break-ups come in all varieties from quick-and-simple to lengthy-and-complicated. Whether you have done the dumping or have just been dumped, almost always, a painful healing process ensues. However, just how intense or drawn-out that repair process will be heavily depends on how you deal with your former lover.

What’s the secret to getting through your emotional heartache as quickly as possible? The number one rule: Don’t contact your ex, no matter what! Even if your toilet is overflowing and he has historically been you ever-available handyman, don’t text, don’t call, or reach out in any other way. “Why,” you might ask? Because our minds often play funny tricks on us. And contacting your ex will merely give you the illusion you are still in a relationship with him and, hence, prolong fully realizing and accepting the end of it. In fact, each time you contact him, you set yourself back two steps.

Whether or not you believe me- you have considerable control over how quickly you can bounce back and return to the game of love. But you need to take back your heart and recognize that he is an empty well for water! So what do you do instead to keep the forward momentum going?

If you want to heal like the speed of lightening rather than wallow in sorrow and self-pity, practice the following 3 tips.

Keep yourself busy. Spend time with supportive family members and friends. Finish a project you’ve been putting on hold or volunteer for your favorite charity.
Reflect on what went wrong in the relationship. Don’t shame or blame yourself. Rather do an inventory of your own responsibility for the demise of the relationship. When you take accountability of your own actions you enable yourself to have a better relationship in the future.
Practice self-soothing. One of the reasons why most of us love being in a relationship involves the pleasure we receive from being cuddled by our lover. But his arms no longer reach out for you. So you must learn to give yourself the love and comfort you desire and not turn to him.

Of course, refraining from contact with your ex is no easy task, especially if you are still in love with the dude. Even harder will be those days when you feel so desperate to hear his voice and believe that he is the only one who can make your pain disappear. But no matter how strong the urge becomes, you simply must say “no” to the impulse to contact him. And remember, there are plenty of good guys out there and love will come again!

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · Communication · Relationships

Make Mother’s Day Happy, Despite Unhappy Memories with Mom

Hallmark cards abound with sentiments of love, appreciation and joy; yet so many of us have had strained relationships with our moms. Some have suffered abuse and neglect, whereas others feel they were controlled and unappreciated. For those of you who fall into this category – it may be harder for you to engage in the celebration of Mother’s Day. However, unless the patterns of abuse or dysfunction were so severe that the relationship was entirely null and voided, you can apply a few tips to bypass your resentment and show some love.

Think positively. More than likely, your mom filled up your cup to some degree. Reflect on a few of the good times with her.
Make a list of three things you appreciate about your mom. You can share these by writing a gratitude list in a blank card or sending an email.
Put your mom in a context. Many parents had highly dysfunctional and/or abusive childhood them selves and never had good role models for how to parent. Try to remember that for the most part, your mom probably tried to do the best she could with the tools and resources available to her at the time.
Practice empathy. If you are a parent – think about all the times in which you behaved less than ideally in raising your own children. If you are not a parent, I’m sure you have not been your stellar self in every relationship. Remember we are all human.

So, for just this “special day,” try to get over yourself. Let your mom know you care. After all, you are an adult. You make your own choices. You have the power to stop the hurt and heal your own wounds now!

October 25, 2023

Cats · Friendships · Relationships · Self-Love

Meet Prowler and Bobby (aka Puppycat): My Two Best Friends

Sometimes all we need is a little bit of love. Furry friends can often be our best friends. So if you’re ever feeling a tad bit down –cuddle with your pet. Don’t have one? No problem! You can borrow a (human) friend’s pet for some snuggles. Or, if none available, just go to YouTube and you’ll find hundreds of adorable videos of all sorts of animals. Plus, you can follow my posts as these two rascals, Prowler and Bobby, are making their big debut!

October 25, 2023

Communication · Goal Setting · How to Thrive! · Online Dating · Relationships · Romance · Self-Love

Is Commitment Phobic Your Middle Name? 7 Tips to Identify & Rectify!

Do you run from commitment like a rabbit feverishly zig-zagging to avoid the bite of a wild dog? Do you believe you desire an intimate relationship but repeatedly find yourself choosing mates who ultimately lead you toward a dead end street? Or do you date people who give you signals, loudly and clearly, that they don’t want a long-term relationship thereby allowing you to camouflage your own skittishness about taking a relationship to the next level? In any case, you may be suffering from commitment phobia or “CP”.

CP may manifest consciously or unconsciously. With the former, you recognize your fear of long-term intimacy and you either avoid relationships altogether or you may casually date but chronically deal with a fear of being smothered or losing your identity/independence. With the latter, you may repeatedly sabotage any chance of a long-lasting serious relationship or pick others who do the same, all the while not recognizing your own discomfort at the thought of commitment.

If one of these scenarios describes you, please don’t be embarrassed or think less of yourself! Millions and millions of people experience anxiety when contemplating taking the step from casual dating to a more intimate level and long-term decision. But it doesn’t help to simply identify yourself as a commitment-phobe. In fact, simply holding onto a label such as CP can keep you stuck in a cycle of avoiding relationships and/or perpetuating chronic starts and stops, never being truly intimate with anyone.

If you want to give up the phobic position and move toward becoming a commitment-seeker (so you can finally be able to enjoy the many benefits of long-lasting love), please embrace the following tips:

First and foremost, identify the cause. Where do your commitment issues stem from? CP can originate from as far back as in childhood wherein you may have endured a challenging relationship with a parent and/or observed a caregiver in constant turmoil with a spouse. Or, maybe you experienced a painful relationship with someone who broke your heart because of having cheated on you or who wouldn’t commit when you wanted more from the relationship. While identification of cause is not essential, it can be helpful. So start digging.
Fulfill small commitments daily, to yourself. Many CP’s not only have difficulty committing to others, but also struggle with taking steps toward things they want for themselves. Make a personal goal and take the steps necessary to achieve it. While this may not be the perfect crossover exercise, it can help lay the foundation for building the muscles of follow-through.
Do a cost-benefit analysis between commitment and non-commitment. In other words, what do you potentially gain by stepping into a relationship with two feet as opposed to just sticking in a toe? Conversely, what do you stand to lose by diving in completely? Many of the things we may fear about making a commitment don’t have to become reality. For instance, if you fear you will lose your identity or ability to “do your own thing,” you’re not going to take kindly to the idea of investing yourself in a relationship. But in actually, relationship and independence don’t have to be mutually exclusive You are in control of your individuality whether you are in a relationship or not. Also, note that until you can finally embrace the true value of commitment, you’re not likely to be motivated to change your stance. So shake things up a bit in your mindset!
Take inventory of your previous selection process in picking a mate. There is nothing more reinforcing of CP then continually hanging out with people who would never make a good partner for you. While differences can attract us, similarities more commonly keep people together. So figure out what you really want and be discriminatory on the front-end of building a relationship. If you’ve done a good selection process and then find yourself getting antsy, at least you’ll know that your phobia is running the show, not your true desires and logical judgment.
Be patient with yourself! Go slowly while getting to know a potential long-term mate. Many commitment phobes dive headfirst into a relationship without paying attention to all of the red-flags and then find themselves saying something like “I can never really get what I want.” With this self-sabotage mechanism, the CP becomes defeated and perpetuates CP. Consciously take a step back and allow yourself to experience each step of the relationship-building process.
Recognize whether your fear is rational or irrational. For instance, it would be wise to steer clear of a suitor who is known for being a cheater. But fearing commitment with someone who has proven to be reliable, trustworthy, considerate, kind-hearted, etc., would be based on negative projections, most likely stemming from a past relationship. So clear out those skeletons and start with a fresh, open slate.
Take ownership of your own CP issues. It’s so easy to focus on others who have CP and deny it within our self, when present. But the only way to pave the way toward change is to be accountable and take responsibility for our own issues. So turn the mirror back on you and see what changes you need to make!

Also, it’s ok to choose to go through periods of your life solo. Just make sure your choice to do so makes sense andis not just dictated by fear! Most importantly – remember Rome was not built in a day! If you’ve lived a fairly extensive period of your life embroiled in CP – it may take a bit of time and practice to disembroil yourself within its trenches. If these tips don’t help solve the issue, please seek professional relationship counseling so you won’t keep heading down break-up lane!

October 25, 2023

Communication · Creativity · Depression · Friendships · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Stress Management

Feeling Some Post-holiday Funk? Six Tips To Purge The Emotional Junk And Pave The Way To A New Year Free Of Gunk!

Some of us, myself included, can push ourselves to the limit by constantly trying to please others, giving the perfect gifts, and/or providing holiday cheer to all. While the excitement of all the festivities can exhilarate us to an adrenaline rush akin to jumping out of a plane – we may not always land on two feet. Hence, some will crash, leading to adrenal burnout or, at best, exhaustion!

If this speaks to you – try the following quick tips:

Practice the word “NO” for one whole week. I mean it. Unless it’s going to cost you your job or mess with your family duties, try rejecting request that you don’t have to do otherwise your energy will be depleted yet again.
Make time for exercise! This is not a prescription for diet and weight loss. Putting our bodies in motion makes us feel better. Whether you aim for three 10-minute walks a day or a jog in the park – just do something active.
Eat your greens and other highly nutritional foods. This probably sounds cliché and something your mother has always advised you of doing – but it really makes sense! More than likely you, like the rest of us, indulged in too much of those yummy treats surrounding us at family and friends’ gatherings. Healthy eating gives your body a chance to repair. Besides, you want to be prepared for extra helpings of your favorite chocolate at Valentine’s Day! J
Without breaking the budget or putting yourself in debt, treat yourself to something you didn’t get as a present, but desperately wanted. A little bit of healthy self-indulgence can actually make room for more compassion and energy for others.
Make a date with your closest friend or your lover where you can hang out and relax with no pressure to accomplish anything. Simple bonding with another human being can help to soothe built-up tension. And if you can add in a couple of hugs—all the better!
Release any negative energy that may have developed from unpleasant family interactions. This can come in the form of meditation, journaling, deep breathing, or anything else that invites in positive flow.

So here’s to a funk and gunk-free, slam dunk New Year. Now there’s a mouthful!

October 25, 2023

Creativity · Depression · Friendships · How to Thrive! · Monday Mood Modifier · Relationships · Self-Love · Stress Management

Monday Mood Modifier: Six Tips To Beating The Holiday Blues

Are you excited about the holidays or do you have a sinking feeling of dread? Or maybe, you have a mixture of both. While for many people the holidays can conjure up positive memories and anticipation of good times –for others, the year-end festivities bring about sadness, stress, and possibly even despair.

Some people have always had a “Scrooge-like” attitude toward “tis-the-season-to-be…” whereas others may have once welcomed the winter gatherings but have now developed negative sentiments because of various life events. For instance, up until four years ago, I had always looked forward to year-end celebrations. But then, my father passed smack dab in the middle of the holiday season. While it was clearly time for my pops to let go and say “goodbye”, I now experience bittersweet feelings when this time of year approaches—a mixture of both joy and a sense of loss and sadness.

The holidays can also raise levels of angst because family members don’t get along or because someone doesn’t have family and friends close by. If you’re somebody who cringes at the sight of penguins on wrapping paper or shelves of menorahs begging to be bought, it just might be time to generate or rekindle some holiday spirit. Try the following six mood modifiers:

If you buy presents for others – remember it’s the thought that counts. Too many people stress over picking the perfect gift. You can’t please everyone all the time. So cut yourself some slack.
Stay within your budget. In other words, don’t kill the buzz by racking up credit card debt you’ll have to pay down for the entire next year!
Create your own group of loved ones to share special time with during the season. If you don’t have family around, or you have family but you don’t care to spend time with them, gather up a group of friends. Plus, celebratory gatherings don’t have to land on the specific day of a holiday, just plan something during the season so you have an event to look forward to.
Take care of your own needs. Many people burn out during the holiday season because they put everybody else’s needs first and forget about their own needs. So be mindful of striking a balance between the two.
Do activities to relieve stress. Examples: exercising, resting, eating healthfully, walking the dog, etc.
If you find yourself melancholy, then allow yourself a bit of indulgence in experiencing your feelings to the fullest. But don’t make it a pity party. Instead, give yourself a time limit so that once you’ve had a good cry it’s time to pick yourself up and face the day!

Ok – so maybe you won’t be “dashing through the snow…laughing all the way,” but at least you won’t be saying “bah humbug!”

October 25, 2023

Communication · Friendships · Relationships · Romance · Stress Management

Monday Mood Modifier: ”Bearly” Getting By? Five Tips To Perk Yourself Up!

Photo by Dr. Debra (taken in Ketchikan, Alaska)

Does your life sometimes feel overwhelmingly difficult? Do you sometimes wake up in a mood that resembles the roar of a grizzly bear? Don’t despair – you can get yourself back on track with just a few simple tasks.

Splash cold water on your face and tell yourself: “this too shall pass.”
Make a list of five things you appreciate about your life.
Take a walk or do some jumping jacks–something to get your energy flowing.
Do a “burning bowl” – write out all of your worries or negative thoughts on a piece of paper, then take them outside in a safe place and light the paper on fire. Tell the universe to help absorb the unwanted energy.
Read an inspirational quote. Can’t find one: ask a friend!

October 25, 2023

ADD/ADHD · Communication · Depression · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Stress Management

Is Preoccupation Your Favorite Location? 7 Tips On How To Stop Being Consumed With Worry And Start Living In The Present Moment!

Has someone ever asked you: “Hey, what are you thinking about?” or something of the sort, referring to observing you checkout of a conversation? Or do you often find yourself consumed with thoughts about things over which you don’t have any immediate control? Or have you been so entrenched in random thoughts, you’ve totally lost track of time? IF you answered “yes” to any of the above, then preoccupation may have become your favorite location. And you’re probably missing out on enjoyable moments in the present because you simply can’t get your mind off of other unnecessary distractions.

Of course, I’m teasing when I infer that anyone actually favors or likes being in a state of worry, but I want to get your attention because, while you may not enjoy worrying, you’ve become attached in some way to your fears and concerns. But, just as you can “unfollow” someone on Twitter, or block someone from your Facebook, you can learn to “unfriend” one of the enemies of the mind—i.e., preoccupation!

Clearly, you aren’t the first or only person on the planet to become somewhat obsessive about the details of life. After all, we live in a complicated world with many pressures and stressors. But worrying about things we have no control over – namely, the past or the future, is a recipe for disaster! Plus it breeds, not only emotional discomfort and anxiety (fearing danger when there is none), but a whole lot of other bodily ailments such as: sleepless nights, headaches, muscle tension, and loss of motivation. That’s not to say that planning for the future and/or assessing mistakes made in the past and learning from them doesn’t have great value. But dwelling on something that hasn’t happened yet (and may never happen) or being mired in regret over things that have already passed, will only thwart your ability to enjoy the present moment and deprive you of peace and joy.

So if you’re ready to start occupying your mind more productively, try the following 7 tips:

Visualize a stop sign in your mind. This should be erected whenever you travel down the road to worry and preoccupation. Symbolic pictures in our mind are powerful in redirecting our thoughts.
Replace all “what if” questions with “what is,” and “what else?” For instance, if you fear you will be passed over for a promotion and then worry that you’ll never be able to afford your dream vacation (the ‘what if’), you should instead think, “As of now, I’m still in the running (the ‘what is’), but whether I get the promotion or not, I can look at other avenues to earn extra money for travel (the ‘what else’).” This allows for positive outcomes instead of catastrohpies.
Remind yourself that most of the things we worry about don’t actually happen and when they do, they usually aren’t as bad as we imagined. Of course, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes you will have to deal with catastrophes. But at least save your internal resources for when they actually occur and not waste them on pictures of events that aren’t reality.
Keep a journal of things that bother you. Sometimes, simply putting our worries down on paper allows them to dissipate more quickly.
Practice the triangle of getting centered. 1) Sit down in a supportive position with feet firmly planted on the ground; 2) take ten deep breaths exhaling longer than inhaling; 3) scan the immediate environment for danger. Usually you’ll discover that there is no imminent threat to your wellbeing, so you will start to relax.
Don’t procrastinate! Obviously, this is easier said than done for those who have become accustomed to putting off until tomorrow what should be done today. But, while there are some things we can postpone without serious consequences, life usually runs more smoothly when we tackle what’s within our reach in the present moment.
Do not over schedule yourself. Even if you are superman/woman, we all have limitations to how much we can get done in any given day, lest we compromise meeting our basic needs. Sure you can forgo sleep for a night or two to accomplish something you’re really excited about, but that would not be a healthy solution long-term.

Now sit back, think happy thoughts, and take life one-step at a time!

October 25, 2023

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