Stress Management

Lose the Shame and Get Back in the Game of Life—8 Tips to Accept Your Mistakes and Move Forward with Positivity!

Do you beat yourself up over minor mistakes? Do you often feel bad about yourself and see others as better than you? Do you take less than you deserve in life because you fear others won’t like you or might see you as greedy? If so, more than likely you suffer from too much shame. Unlike guilt (the experience we have when we’ve done something wrong), shame is a state-of-being wherein we perceive ourselves as unworthy, damaged, and/or underserving of having our needs met.

Trust me. No one understands the consequences of excessive shame better than I do. I lived the first half of my life plagued by it. Shame causes us to treat ourselves badly and prohibits us from living fully and happily in our lives. Sure, we all need a small dose of it, now and again, to keep us humble and able to be civilized. But when shame runs the show, we’re doomed.

Sadly, those who need to experience shame, like serial killers, rapists, child molesters, etc., often don’t even have a conscience at all, let alone the capacity to judge themselves harshly. Whereas “good people,” who occasionally make mistakes or do the wrong thing, often become mired in a state of shame. And even sadder, these same folks often don’t believe they deserve any better.

What does shame get you? More shame and a perpetual existence of making yourself small. Or sometimes people compensate for deep feelings of deprivation due to shame and secretly harbor excessive entitlement! Neither makes for a happy existence.

So if the above describes you—try the following 8 tips to help you unplug from the negativity of shame and move into the realm of positivity!

1. Say aloud five kind things about yourself daily. These don’t have to be grandiose as in “I’m the greatest person on earth.” But instead, for instance, if you are a compassionate person, then honor that quality. (BTW- if your shame prevents you from being able to identify any characteristics to admire in yourself, then ask a friend or loved one to give you ideas.)
2. Do something for yourself you would not ordinarily do – get a massage, indulge in a one-hour bubble bath or take a drive somewhere you find beautiful. When we act as if we are worthy and meaningful, we usually start to feel more important.
3. Practice the mantra – “I can’t please all people all of the time.” Furthermore, try to remember that most of the time it really doesn’t matter what other people think about us! But what we think about our own selves matters the most!
4. Make note that good people sometimes do not-so-good things. This fact, however, does not equate with being a bad or unworthy person. Cut yourself some slack. Acknowledge your mistakes and then move on.
5. Stop trying to control things you have no control over. There is no better way than to feel ineffective and bad about yourself than by expecting yourself to be able to fix something that isn’t in your power to fix, e.g. like other people places and things. So instead, take control of what is in your power, that is, your own feelings, thoughts, and actions!
6. Create a balance between doing things for yourself and doing things for others. It’s wonderful to be generous with our time and energy for the good of others. But when we do so at the expense of meeting our own needs, we will ultimately drown. So make sure you remember yourself in the process. And please note—when you’re doing things for others – it should come from a place of generosity, not from trying to prove you are valuable.
7. Don’t let childhood wounds dictate how you feel about yourself in adulthood. If you were treated badly – remember that you have the power to treat yourself well today.
8. Avoid negative people or those who provide unconstructive criticism, if you can. It’s not likely to be able to completely eliminate harsh or demanding people from our lives, but when it’s a viable option, take it! For instance, while we may have to deal with a crotchety co-worker for a year or so in order to get the promotion you’re waiting for–there’s no need to continue a friendship with someone who is never there for you in your time of need but who will readily suck all of your time and attention for her benefit!

I’m well aware that these tips may be very hard to implement, particularly for those who have been badly abused or neglected in their lives. But the transformation of shame into healthy self-worth must be done in order to have the freedom to choose a happy existence in adulthood. So if shame is the block to your sense of wellbeing, get help now! If you can’t afford professional counseling, use alternate resources such as support groups, self-help books, or other community offerings. Help is available if you seek it!!