Relationships Archives - Page 3 of 3 - Dr. Debra Mandel

Communication · Creativity · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Romance · Self-Love · Stress Management

Do You Need Some Space From Your Lover or Others? 8 Tips on How to Create Alone-time Without Being Offensive!

Throughout most of my life, I’ve been referred to as a contact chunky! That’s right – someone who couldn’t get enough connection with other people, especially from a significant other no matter how much attention I was given. Truth is – it wasn’t so much about truly loving the contact – but more about my internal loneliness and low self-esteem. In my quest for more and more connection, I falsely believed that someone would finally fill up my empty well. Wrong! Plus, since I was prone to interpreting other people’s need for space as a sign of personal rejection, I feared that my intimate partner would feel the same way. And I certainly didn’t want to be responsible for hurting someone’s feelings.

Through many years of therapy and personal self-growth – I finally was able to grasp that it was me who needed to fill up that hole inside me and let connections with important people around me be a bonus pack– not the substance to my existence. Now, years later, and quite a bit more self-content and self-accepting – I find that I desire a considerably more personal and psychological space. It’s not that I don’t cherish my relationships with my lover, family members, friends, and clients but I just don’t need to be attached at the hip anymore.

I noticed, however, in my plight for separateness and independence– like many others who begin expressing a newfound need, I became a bit of a bull in a China shop and I lacked the proper finesse in stating my needs. For instance, rather than making time for myself, I would sometimes manufacture something to be angry about in order to get some space rather than just ask for it. If you share a similar struggle, here are 8 tips on how to set loving boundaries.

Recognize the difference between the need for personal/psychological space versus physical space. Sometimes we are perfectly capable of hanging out with someone in the same room as long as we are free to do our own thing and only periodically connect with our loved one. This is called “parallel play.” Other times – not only do we need a break from interaction with others, we also need some physical distance to feel fulfilled. That would be called “solitary play.” By allowing ourselves these two forms of play, we create space for “interactive play.” Keep in mind that needing space is not the same as rejecting or abandoning someone. All three forms of play are essential to creating quality intimacy and avoiding resentments or feelings of being smothered.
Know the difference between extroverts (whose tanks fill up in the presence of others) and introverts (whose tanks fill up in their own internal world). Knowing the difference helps you understand that the need for space and/or closeness is sometimes simply due to one’s natural temperament.
Use technology to your advantage. If you are with somebody who tends to be a bit insecure, give him or her some reassurance. For example, send a text message with a term of endearment or leave a loving voicemail. A couple of extra minutes of effort in this department can buy you hours of free time without worrying about whether your partner feels neglected.
Make sure you and your partner work on filling up any self-esteem holes so that the two of you can enjoy the benefits of both aloneness and connectedness. After all – a true love connection does not go away simply because you’re not in one’s physical presence.
When you are with your partner, make sure you are truly present. Most people, if they feel honored and attended to when you are with them, will have an easier time in your absence.
Avoid creating conflict in order to get your separate time. If you need some space, just ask for it with love and kindness in your voice. For example, say the following to your lover: “Hey sweetie, I’m thinking it would be good for me and ultimately for us, if I spend Saturday doing my own thing.”
When you do schedule time to be apart, use the time wisely. If the goal is to replenish yourself, then do something with your time that makes you feel fulfilled. Then when you do reunite, you’ll be a better partner.
Create sacred time to be together. Remember, becoming a “space-junky” is no healthier than being a “contact-junky.” So don’t let the pendulum swing too far the other way. Instead, find the balance that allows you to have both!

October 25, 2023

Communication · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Self-Love · Stress Management

Stop Being a Doormat: Learn How to Say “NO” and Mean It!

I just recently spent some time with one of my dear friends and her precious two-year-old daughter. While hanging out in the sandbox, it occurred to me that one of the first words we utter when we finally begin saying out loud the mumbo-jumbo in our heads is the word “no!” This word may even be in the top 10 first words spoken, right up there rivaling “mama,” “dada,” or some other variation of parental endearments. Yet somehow during the developmental process so many of us lose sight of this short and simple, yet ever so powerful, word.

But why does it become increasingly more difficult for many of us to use it as we get older? We think it. We want to say it. Yet, often times we stifle it. Or we pause and either come up with some grandiose euphemism for it or we flat out agree to something we really don’t want to do.

Mind you, I’m certainly not suggesting that we should all become selfish, naysayers. Quite the contrary! It’s certainly OK at times to put our own preferences aside to do things for others for the sake of a greater good. But sadly, we over teach people to be “nice” –which actually translates to: “pretending not to know.” So if you think about it, being “nice” has nothing to do with kindness, compassion, or empathy–the three qualities so often lacking in humanity.

Sadly, the repercussions of saying “yes” when we mean “no” can be quite severe, namely, we can easily become slaves to other people’s demands and expectations and lose sight of our own needs and desires. Also known as becoming a “doormat,” where others walk all over us. Sound familiar? If so, reclaim your right to say “no” by practicing the following:

Accept that the word “no” has survival value. We are supposed to be able to take care of ourselves and if we say “yes” to everyone else’s demands or requests, we diminish our capacity to have a healthy and fruitful life.
Become aware of your fears about saying “no.” Do you fear people will think you are rude. Do you fear you will be seen as a difficult person? Do you fear people will get angry with you? Once determined, try to walk through your fear, rather than give it power.
Allow others the right to say “no.” Sometimes we forbid ourselves from saying “no” for fear of hurting someone’s feelings. But then we might resent someone else if he/she says “no” to us. Instead, step back and be mindful that other people have busy lives too—and if someone says “no” to you, it’s usually not a personal rejection! Remember, behind every “no” is the opportunity for a bigger “yes”!
Claim the right to say “yes.” Being able to say “no” doesn’t prohibit you from being agreeable, it just gives you the freedom to choose so that you don’t continually get yourself trapped in a corner.
Disconnect the negative association to the word “no.” While it can be a very powerful word, it’s simply a means to set a boundary–not to be used to be hurtful to others.
Accept that you cannot control other people’s thoughts or actions, nor should you try to—but you do have the right to take charge of your own life. If someone can’t handle your right to say “no,” it is he or she who has the problem, not you.

Most importantly, keep in mind that simple and direct communication is usually far better than beating around the bush. For example, your friend asks you to do a favor for her and you really don’t have the time. It’s actually rude to say “sure” and then avoid her or end up resenting her because you feel corralled into doing something you don’t want to do. It would be far healthier for both of you to politely decline the request by saying something like: “Thanks for asking me, but I’m just too busy right now.” If your friend gets upset, the offense is her responsibility not yours–as long as you are not abusive in your delivery.

So give it a go and just say “NO!” That way – when you say “yes” – you will truly mean it!

October 25, 2023

Communication · How to Thrive! · Online Dating · Relationships · Romance

Is the Honeymoon Over? Ten Tips to Keeping the Romance Alive

Falling in love is like an orgasm on crack! (Not that I have actually done crack—but you get the picture.) The process is known to be as powerful as an aphrodisiac. The sky seems bluer, the honey tastes sweeter, and yesterday’s problems fade to black. I’ve even seen many severely depressed people suddenly become hopeful and more positive about their futures once magically kissed by the splendor of love as if a double shot of Prozac had been directly injected in their brains.

Can this phase go on forever? Unlikely – but it doesn’t have to end entirely! True, some would say that the crossover from romantic love/falling in love to mature love can be a grand disappointment–maybe somewhat akin to Cinderella’s carriage turning back into a pumpkin. But why can’t the pumpkin be turned into a delicious pie? It can, if you practice the following 10 tips.

Reengage in courting practices. Courting is a behavioral practice that should be continued across the course of a relationship. Send love notes, cute text messages, create fun rituals for renewing your commitment to one another. Pick a flower and put it on his/her pillow before bed. Random acts of kindness can go a long way!
Always be curious about your partner. Understand that as much as we can get to know another person – there is always more to understand! As humans we have an ebb and flow of different feelings and thoughts on a daily basis–so get to know your partner every day!
Compliment your lover daily. Trade expectation for appreciation. We are all so prone to focusing on negativity, but it’s the positive comments that make us grow and shine.
Make sure to touch each other often. Even when we are annoyed, we benefit from physical affection because it grounds us back into a place of softness and that usually leads to more intimacy.
Spend at least ten minutes a day facing one another with concentrated eye contact while sharing something about you from your heart. When couples gaze into each other’s eyes, they are reminded of how special and important they are to one another.
Stop romanticizing the honeymoon phase! It doesn’t last forever and while it is beautiful and wonderful so too can be the security of having your tried-and-true partner by your side, day after day.
Communicate when something troubles you. Otherwise you’re likely to create a pile of resentments–a surefire way to deaden the intimacy.
Be open to making changes in your behavior to please you partner. If your goal is to keep your love fully alive, then don’t be stubborn for the sake of being right!
Remember that couples who play together are more likely to stay together! Do something unusual – change it up a bit – find a sport you both like to do pick a game do a crossword puzzle. Just have fun!
Spend a little time apart now and again! Sure most of us necessarily need to be apart from our lover simply because of work – but sometimes it’s good to separate during non-work hours, too. But not for too long – while absence makes the heart grow fonder – so too can absence make the heart go wander.

So if that flitter of butterflies in your stomach starts to wither – don’t despair! You can regenerate the romance by taking proactive and loving steps to keep you and your lover’s heart a twitter!

October 25, 2023

Relationships · Uncategorized

Is Your Relationship Doomed? – 5 Telltale Signs

Is Your Relationship Doomed?–5 Telltale Signs

Ending a relationship inevitably comes along with tremendous pain for a couple. But sometimes it’s better to cut your losses before you get in too deep rather than continue moving forward in a relationship that is most likely doomed to fail anyway. Mind you, as a Love Warrior, it takes a lot for me to recommend that someone walk away from a long-term relationship, especially if there are complicating factors such as sharing children or being co-mingled financially. Yet while I strongly advocate for doing everything possible to try to save a relationship (especially if there once was love between the couple), in some cases it’s better to endure the pain and grief from ending it rather than suffer longer-term unhappiness. Below are several scenarios where it might just be in everyone’s best interest to say “c’est la vie” and move on!

You discover that your partner has been cheating on you.

Sure, if there had been a one-time kiss or minor infraction during the early stage of dating before firm commitments or vows were made, then that may draw a different conclusion. But if your partner has been two-timing you all along and/or he/she does not want to change his/her ways—there’s a very slim chance of ever regaining trust. And without trust—a relationship cannot be healthy.

You discover a truly offensive big secret about your partner.

For instance – you find out your guy watches lots of porn, you ask him to stop, and he refuses. In this situation, your partner is demonstrating that your concerns do not matter to him. Without mutual and reciprocal care of one another, you will become a doormat and that is never a happy scene.

One or both of you change something in your value system that will significantly affect your long-term compatibility.

For instance, your wife, once a devout Catholic, decides to throw all religion away and become an atheist and you want to remain true to your faith. Or you both had agreed to either have children or not have children and one of you changes your mind and isn’t willing to converse or negotiate about the subject. While many healthy couples face these dilemmas all the time, if there is no willingness to negotiate, then one person becomes solely dominant in the decision-making process. Unless someone is extremely passive and wants a secondary role in the relationship, resentments are bound to build until they boil over in ugly unresolvable conflict.

You realize you’ve actually made a big mistake.

For instance, your relationship began in a crisis wherein one of you rescued the other out of a bad situation, and now that things are settled, you find that you’re no longer attracted to your partner or you find out you have very little in common. While this may not be a time to end the relationship altogether, it certainly warrants a pause and possibly some counseling to see if it makes sense to move forward as a couple. Generally speaking, however, if attraction completely dies, it’s virtually impossible to resurrect it. And if you have little in common with someone, then you’ll most likely distance yourself from your partner and possibly create a fertile ground for infidelity. While opposites often attract, it’s generally similarities that keep people together. Mind you, if children are in the picture, then I would recommend much further exploration of this issue. But certainly, if you’re not already married and/or you don’t have other extenuating circumstance that keep you together, go find someone who lights your fire and with whom you can’t wait to share your day!

Your partner develops some type of illness, either mental or physical, and you don’t think you have the stamina to deal with it.

While this may seem cruel to leave someone with an illness—some people do not have the ability to handle these things. Mind you, probably not a good idea to abandon your lover in a crisis—but if you’re not burdened by other variables, you should think long and hard about whether you can handle the situation without secretly or overtly “hating” your partner for not being the person you signed up for. Of course, if you’ve been with someone for many years, I would hope that you would work on becoming more compassionate and tolerant of unforeseeable changes and events. But if you’ve only recently started dating and haven’t made any long term commitments, I think it’s fair to accept your limits and allow your partner to find someone who is more of a caregiver.

If any of these scenarios occur and if you truly love one another, first seek relationship counseling to see if you can sort things out. If you do decide to break away, clearly it’s always best to do so lovingly and kindly, even if your partner is angry with you for your decision to leave. Also, everyone’s situation is unique. So please don’t pull the break-up trigger based on my outline unless it’s truly the right decision for you!

October 25, 2023

Online Dating · Relationships

Avoiding First Date Disasters: 10 Tips to Get a Second Date

While some folks truly enjoy the rush of a first date encounter, many people find the experience to be paralyzing, anxiety-ridden, and something to be avoided at all costs. But unless you happen to meet Mr. Right or Ms. Awesome in a random chance encounter while ordering your nonfat, Caramel Latte, no additional sweetener, extra caramel at your favorite café, you’re probably going to have to do the dating thing if you want to pursue romantic love. So how do you keep the dating experience positive and avoid sticking your foot in your mouth? Below are 10 tips to keep in mind if you’d like to get to a second date! (BTW—these guidelines assume you’ve had only minimal contact with the person you’re meeting for the first time.)

Keep the chitter-chatter light and simple. While many people cringe at the thought of “small talk,” we must practice this necessary evil upon a first encounter and demonstrate self-restraint. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t divulge anything personal, but be careful not to explode with intimate details about the traumas and tragedies from your history. Letting someone know you ended a bad relationship a few years ago, setting back your trust a bit, is fine whereas unloading all of your issues, while feverishly slurping pasta with sauce dripping down your chin, is not!
Meet face-to-face at a neutral place. While beautiful ambience can create positive feelings, avoid meeting at a romantic spot or a super pretty place on a first date. The idea is to get a sense of whether you see possibilities in the person you’re meeting and not get distracted or enamored by the immediate surrounds. That doesn’t mean you have to meet at a dive bar or an ugly, rundown park. Rather, just pick a neutral place with a good vibe and a noise level conducive for good conversation.
Pick an activity with low adrenaline. Too much action may cloud your judgment as to whether you actually like your date or are just pumped up from the rush of the activity. Good choices: meeting for coffee/tea, picnic at a park, grabbing a light lunch or dinner.
Minimize alcohol consumption. I’m sure this is obvious, but I can’t tell you how many men and women have reported having had too much to drink on a first date and then not being able to accurately reflect on the quality of the person with whom they chugged Tequila shots. If you’re plagued by uncomfortable first-date jitters, excuse yourself to the bathroom and practice healthier relaxation tools, such as deep breathing or soothing visualizations.
Don’t dress to impress. That doesn’t mean you should dress to under-impress or repel. Rather create an external package that is reflective of how you would dress if you were in an ongoing relationship. For instance, if as a woman, you prefer to wear flats—don’t wear five-inch stilettos. You’ll just look awkward; not sexy!
Accept compliments graciously. While all of us have some holes in our self-esteem, if someone expresses appreciation for one of your qualities and you negate the compliment, the deliveryman/woman may end up feeling slighted and perceive you as an insecure person. Granted, some people are turned on by those who lack self-worth. But if you move forward with this type of person, you’ll likely discover you will be controlled in the relationship and kept on the lower end of the totem pole. Overtime, your self-value will whither away even further. So if you lack confidence, you should probably consider postponing the dating game until you build up your inner self-love.
Be on time (or no more than ten minutes fashionably late). While some people have high tolerance for tardiness, most people find it to be rude and inconsiderate. If you are running late, make sure to let your date know as soon as you know you won’t make the date on time. Waiting until the actual meeting time to inform your date of your lateness may also be perceived as inconsiderate!
Keep a balance in the conversation. Some people talk a lot because of nervous energy, but others simply talk nonstop about themselves because they truly believe they are more “special” and important than anyone else. While it’s good to share about your interests and experiences, make sure you attend to your date as well. Ask questions and comment on the responses. If your date doesn’t reciprocate in kind, it may be a red flag that he/she will be a lousy relationship partner because he/she won’t give a rat’s ass about you or your needs. (BTW—if food is involved in the date: don’t talk with your mouth full!)
If you had a nice time-say so. Playing the coy game of keeping ‘em guessing, doesn’t really pan out to be a good tactic for successful dating. Don’t go overboard with excitement, but it’s cool to let your date know if you had fun. On the other hand, don’t be rude if you have no intentions of ever seeing this person again. However, if you’re sure he/she will never be a contender, don’t make false promises or directives to call you. Instead, be gentle and honest and say something like: “Glad we had a chance to meet but I just don’t think we would be a good fit. But I wish you all the best!”
No sex—no matter what (unless you’re willing to risk the high probability that you will never hear from or see this person again.) Whether he or she is the hottest being on the planet and you’re salivating for a romp in the hay—just say “no.” You can’t possibly know enough about a person on a first date to warrant a sexual encounter and you deserve more opportunities to discover whether or not this is a person with whom you’d like to become intimate. Of course, if all you want is a one-night stand, then at least practice safe sex and be prepared for it to be a lousy and unfulfilling experience!

Remember these are just guidelines, not absolutes. Also, keep in mind that sometimes people deserve a second chance. Just like tasting a fine wine—the first sip is not always representative of how it will ultimately either delight or repel your taste buds. Sometimes people also need more than one sampling to truly know whether their flavors will tickle your fancy. So don’t be too hasty and rule someone out at first glance, unless of course you see blazing deal-breakers right out of the gate!

Happy Dating!!

October 25, 2023

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