Relationships Archives - Page 3 of 3 - Dr. Debra Mandel

Communication · Friendships · Relationships · Romance

When You Feel Funny About Your Friend’s Honey

Have you ever been in the position of having a close friend whom you perceive to be in a bad relationship, but your friend is blinded by “love?” You want to tell her what you think but you’re pretty certain she won’t listen. Or worse yet, she might falsely believe you are jealous or envious of her and then won’t trust your genuine intentions of helping her steer clear of a future broken-heart. If you’ve ever experienced this scenario, you know how awkward and uncomfortable this situation can be. And, you may be at a loss for what to do and/or question whether you should do anything at all.

I can say for certain that I have been in several not-so-good, and even downright abusive relationships, wherein I knew my friends could see the writing on the wall—but I was too invested, too stubborn, or too whatever to see the red flags in front of me. Yet, because they feared my possible reaction and didn’t want to offend me, many very insightful opinions were never spoken. As a result, I probably stayed longer in these dead-end, painful, relationships than would have been necessary had someone had the “courage” to speak her mind and set me straight. Mind you, this is not anyone else’s fault, and it certainly isn’t anyone’s responsibility to micromanage someone’s chosen love path. But I think many of us go mute for fear of undesirable consequences when a friend may truly need a wake-up call.

If you know someone you believe is headed down, or already on, misery row—you might try the following course or action:

Check your motives! Be certain you are not operating out of jealousy or envy but rather out of pure concern for your friend’s wellbeing.
Before diving in with your laundry list of doubts, ask your friend first if he/she is open to feedback concerning your observations/opinions about his/her relationship. Often times, people are more receptive to feedback if they feel it has been solicited rather than completely unsolicited.
1. If the answer is “no,” then let it go. Of course, in a situation where your friend is being abused, you probably shouldn’t remain silent. Your statement may be as simple as, “I care about you and I want you to be aware that I am very worried about you and hope you will reconsider the relationship you have chosen.” If your friend blows you off—at least you will have a clear conscience that you have voiced your fear. Hopefully, somewhere down the line, when she figures it out for herself, she will seek your aid and see you as her ally, not her enemy.
2. If the answer if “yes”, tread softly-but directly. You might say something like: “I don’t want to interfere with your choices, and this is only my opinion, but…(insert your opinion here).”
Give a personal example. Many people become more receptive to feedback when they have a sense that the messenger has shared in a similar personal experience. So if you have had a relationship in your life wherein you were blind-sighted to all the warning signs, let your friend know that he is not alone and that you are coming from a place of empathy, not harsh judgment.
Be prepared for some awkwardness between you and your friend. Most people are pretty sensitive when it comes to matters of the heart. Simultaneously, most of us like the approval from our friends as to the choices we make in our lives. If these two are in contrast, conflict can ensue. But conflict is not always a bad thing and can sometimes drive our friendships to deeper and more meaningful levels.

Probably of most importance is to let your friend know that you respect his/her choices and you will do your best to stand by him/her no matter what!

October 25, 2023

Body Image · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Self-Image · Self-Love · Spirituality · Stress Management

Vanity Insanity: Stop Obsessing about Beauty Ideals and Be Happy With Who You Are!

photo by Tiffany Luptak – www.tiffanyluptakphotography.com

Let’s face it – there’s no way around the fact that we live in a world obsessed with beauty ideals! Even those among us who claim to not buy into the obsession with physical appearance will sometimes report a gnawing sense of inadequacy, especially when they become trapped in the lair of comparing themselves to images portrayed as the most beautiful people in the world. As if the writers for People magazine ever survey the whole population, let alone have any idea what beauty is. Yet, every year we are inundated with such nonsense.

Of course, there is some survival value to looking our best. We do like attracting mates, and occasionally we may even want to keep one around long-term. J But looking our best is not the same as being beauty obsessed nor is it trying to conform or morph ourselves into someone’s arbitrary determination of what is beautiful and what isn’t. Although cliché—beauty truly lies in the eyes of the beholder. And, because beauty comes in so many different shapes, sizes, and colors, to continually fixate on a narrow vision creates a recipe for self-defeat, insecurities, and low self worth.

how do we stop giving a crap about such trivial matters as to whether or not we missed our hair appointment to cover up the “unsightly” gray, forgot to shave our armpits/legs, or failed to drop those 5 extra pounds before we took a vacation to the Bahamas? Mind you, I’m not suggesting we stop taking care of our exterior appearance. Quite the contrary. I am suggesting,, however, that we stop putting all of our focus on the outer shell and start shifting our attention to internal self-improvement. Here are 6 tips:

Chuck all of your fashion/beauty magazines. These magazines are aimed at making you feel inadequate so you will buy more products and services. Spend your money on more important things.
Focus on becoming the best you– not the best outer shell of you. For example, pick a quality you admire in others, such as being a compassionate person, and work on building up this quality in yourself.
Avoid plastic surgery, Botox, and any other expensive “beauty” enhancing procedures. Instead, try more natural remedies to keep your skin, hair, and nails healthy and vibrant. Too often, people opt for a quick fix instead of putting energy into eating healthfully, exercising, and minimizing stress. These will help create full body care with benefits to physical, mental and emotional wellbeing.
Keep mirror-time to a minimum. It’s ok to look in the mirror from time to time to do your daily routines. But, never ask the question: Mirror, mirror on the wall—who’s the fairest of them all? Unless, of course, you answer: “me.”
Embrace the aging process with excitement and grace! Remember youth doesn’t last forever. So instead of fighting the inevitable, enjoy the process and be appreciative every day of everything about yourself.
Focus your attention on who you are as a person, not what you look like. Build up your inner beauty by increasing self-love, compassion, empathy, generosity, etc.

The obsession with beauty is not an easy problem to solve. Having grown up in a family and subculture heavily focused on the importance of outer appearance, (resulting in a poor self-image and an eating disorder) I understand how hard it can be to ignore, let alone erase, this toxic messaging. But if you practice daily saying “no” to the pressure to chase the arbitrary beauty standards set forth in the media or in your own head, you will begin to feel better. Plus you will ultimately give yourself the biggest gift of all. Your inner light will shine more brightly–the truest beauty of all!

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · ADD/ADHD · Communication · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Self-Love · Stress Management

Lose the Shame and Get Back in the Game of Life—8 Tips to Accept Your Mistakes and Move Forward with Positivity!

Do you beat yourself up over minor mistakes? Do you often feel bad about yourself and see others as better than you? Do you take less than you deserve in life because you fear others won’t like you or might see you as greedy? If so, more than likely you suffer from too much shame. Unlike guilt (the experience we have when we’ve done something wrong), shame is a state-of-being wherein we perceive ourselves as unworthy, damaged, and/or underserving of having our needs met.

Trust me. No one understands the consequences of excessive shame better than I do. I lived the first half of my life plagued by it. Shame causes us to treat ourselves badly and prohibits us from living fully and happily in our lives. Sure, we all need a small dose of it, now and again, to keep us humble and able to be civilized. But when shame runs the show, we’re doomed.

Sadly, those who need to experience shame, like serial killers, rapists, child molesters, etc., often don’t even have a conscience at all, let alone the capacity to judge themselves harshly. Whereas “good people,” who occasionally make mistakes or do the wrong thing, often become mired in a state of shame. And even sadder, these same folks often don’t believe they deserve any better.

What does shame get you? More shame and a perpetual existence of making yourself small. Or sometimes people compensate for deep feelings of deprivation due to shame and secretly harbor excessive entitlement! Neither makes for a happy existence.

So if the above describes you—try the following 8 tips to help you unplug from the negativity of shame and move into the realm of positivity!

Say aloud five kind things about yourself daily. These don’t have to be grandiose as in “I’m the greatest person on earth.” But instead, for instance, if you are a compassionate person, then honor that quality. (BTW- if your shame prevents you from being able to identify any characteristics to admire in yourself, then ask a friend or loved one to give you ideas.)
Do something for yourself you would not ordinarily do – get a massage, indulge in a one-hour bubble bath or take a drive somewhere you find beautiful. When we act as if we are worthy and meaningful, we usually start to feel more important.
Practice the mantra – “I can’t please all people all of the time.” Furthermore, try to remember that most of the time it really doesn’t matter what other people think about us! But what we think about our own selves matters the most!
Make note that good people sometimes do not-so-good things. This fact, however, does not equate with being a bad or unworthy person. Cut yourself some slack. Acknowledge your mistakes and then move on.
Stop trying to control things you have no control over. There is no better way than to feel ineffective and bad about yourself than by expecting yourself to be able to fix something that isn’t in your power to fix, e.g. like other people places and things. So instead, take control of what is in your power, that is, your own feelings, thoughts, and actions!
Create a balance between doing things for yourself and doing things for others. It’s wonderful to be generous with our time and energy for the good of others. But when we do so at the expense of meeting our own needs, we will ultimately drown. So make sure you remember yourself in the process. And please note—when you’re doing things for others – it should come from a place of generosity, not from trying to prove you are valuable.
Don’t let childhood wounds dictate how you feel about yourself in adulthood. If you were treated badly – remember that you have the power to treat yourself well today.
Avoid negative people or those who provide unconstructive criticism, if you can. It’s not likely to be able to completely eliminate harsh or demanding people from our lives, but when it’s a viable option, take it! For instance, while we may have to deal with a crotchety co-worker for a year or so in order to get the promotion you’re waiting for–there’s no need to continue a friendship with someone who is never there for you in your time of need but who will readily suck all of your time and attention for her benefit!

I’m well aware that these tips may be very hard to implement, particularly for those who have been badly abused or neglected in their lives. But the transformation of shame into healthy self-worth must be done in order to have the freedom to choose a happy existence in adulthood. So if shame is the block to your sense of wellbeing, get help now! If you can’t afford professional counseling, use alternate resources such as support groups, self-help books, or other community offerings. Help is available if you seek it!!

October 25, 2023

Communication · Creativity · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Romance · Self-Love · Stress Management

Do You Need Some Space From Your Lover or Others? 8 Tips on How to Create Alone-time Without Being Offensive!

Throughout most of my life, I’ve been referred to as a contact chunky! That’s right – someone who couldn’t get enough connection with other people, especially from a significant other no matter how much attention I was given. Truth is – it wasn’t so much about truly loving the contact – but more about my internal loneliness and low self-esteem. In my quest for more and more connection, I falsely believed that someone would finally fill up my empty well. Wrong! Plus, since I was prone to interpreting other people’s need for space as a sign of personal rejection, I feared that my intimate partner would feel the same way. And I certainly didn’t want to be responsible for hurting someone’s feelings.

Through many years of therapy and personal self-growth – I finally was able to grasp that it was me who needed to fill up that hole inside me and let connections with important people around me be a bonus pack– not the substance to my existence. Now, years later, and quite a bit more self-content and self-accepting – I find that I desire a considerably more personal and psychological space. It’s not that I don’t cherish my relationships with my lover, family members, friends, and clients but I just don’t need to be attached at the hip anymore.

I noticed, however, in my plight for separateness and independence– like many others who begin expressing a newfound need, I became a bit of a bull in a China shop and I lacked the proper finesse in stating my needs. For instance, rather than making time for myself, I would sometimes manufacture something to be angry about in order to get some space rather than just ask for it. If you share a similar struggle, here are 8 tips on how to set loving boundaries.

Recognize the difference between the need for personal/psychological space versus physical space. Sometimes we are perfectly capable of hanging out with someone in the same room as long as we are free to do our own thing and only periodically connect with our loved one. This is called “parallel play.” Other times – not only do we need a break from interaction with others, we also need some physical distance to feel fulfilled. That would be called “solitary play.” By allowing ourselves these two forms of play, we create space for “interactive play.” Keep in mind that needing space is not the same as rejecting or abandoning someone. All three forms of play are essential to creating quality intimacy and avoiding resentments or feelings of being smothered.
Know the difference between extroverts (whose tanks fill up in the presence of others) and introverts (whose tanks fill up in their own internal world). Knowing the difference helps you understand that the need for space and/or closeness is sometimes simply due to one’s natural temperament.
Use technology to your advantage. If you are with somebody who tends to be a bit insecure, give him or her some reassurance. For example, send a text message with a term of endearment or leave a loving voicemail. A couple of extra minutes of effort in this department can buy you hours of free time without worrying about whether your partner feels neglected.
Make sure you and your partner work on filling up any self-esteem holes so that the two of you can enjoy the benefits of both aloneness and connectedness. After all – a true love connection does not go away simply because you’re not in one’s physical presence.
When you are with your partner, make sure you are truly present. Most people, if they feel honored and attended to when you are with them, will have an easier time in your absence.
Avoid creating conflict in order to get your separate time. If you need some space, just ask for it with love and kindness in your voice. For example, say the following to your lover: “Hey sweetie, I’m thinking it would be good for me and ultimately for us, if I spend Saturday doing my own thing.”
When you do schedule time to be apart, use the time wisely. If the goal is to replenish yourself, then do something with your time that makes you feel fulfilled. Then when you do reunite, you’ll be a better partner.
Create sacred time to be together. Remember, becoming a “space-junky” is no healthier than being a “contact-junky.” So don’t let the pendulum swing too far the other way. Instead, find the balance that allows you to have both!

October 25, 2023

Communication · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Self-Love · Stress Management

Stop Being a Doormat: Learn How to Say “NO” and Mean It!

I just recently spent some time with one of my dear friends and her precious two-year-old daughter. While hanging out in the sandbox, it occurred to me that one of the first words we utter when we finally begin saying out loud the mumbo-jumbo in our heads is the word “no!” This word may even be in the top 10 first words spoken, right up there rivaling “mama,” “dada,” or some other variation of parental endearments. Yet somehow during the developmental process so many of us lose sight of this short and simple, yet ever so powerful, word.

But why does it become increasingly more difficult for many of us to use it as we get older? We think it. We want to say it. Yet, often times we stifle it. Or we pause and either come up with some grandiose euphemism for it or we flat out agree to something we really don’t want to do.

Mind you, I’m certainly not suggesting that we should all become selfish, naysayers. Quite the contrary! It’s certainly OK at times to put our own preferences aside to do things for others for the sake of a greater good. But sadly, we over teach people to be “nice” –which actually translates to: “pretending not to know.” So if you think about it, being “nice” has nothing to do with kindness, compassion, or empathy–the three qualities so often lacking in humanity.

Sadly, the repercussions of saying “yes” when we mean “no” can be quite severe, namely, we can easily become slaves to other people’s demands and expectations and lose sight of our own needs and desires. Also known as becoming a “doormat,” where others walk all over us. Sound familiar? If so, reclaim your right to say “no” by practicing the following:

Accept that the word “no” has survival value. We are supposed to be able to take care of ourselves and if we say “yes” to everyone else’s demands or requests, we diminish our capacity to have a healthy and fruitful life.
Become aware of your fears about saying “no.” Do you fear people will think you are rude. Do you fear you will be seen as a difficult person? Do you fear people will get angry with you? Once determined, try to walk through your fear, rather than give it power.
Allow others the right to say “no.” Sometimes we forbid ourselves from saying “no” for fear of hurting someone’s feelings. But then we might resent someone else if he/she says “no” to us. Instead, step back and be mindful that other people have busy lives too—and if someone says “no” to you, it’s usually not a personal rejection! Remember, behind every “no” is the opportunity for a bigger “yes”!
Claim the right to say “yes.” Being able to say “no” doesn’t prohibit you from being agreeable, it just gives you the freedom to choose so that you don’t continually get yourself trapped in a corner.
Disconnect the negative association to the word “no.” While it can be a very powerful word, it’s simply a means to set a boundary–not to be used to be hurtful to others.
Accept that you cannot control other people’s thoughts or actions, nor should you try to—but you do have the right to take charge of your own life. If someone can’t handle your right to say “no,” it is he or she who has the problem, not you.

Most importantly, keep in mind that simple and direct communication is usually far better than beating around the bush. For example, your friend asks you to do a favor for her and you really don’t have the time. It’s actually rude to say “sure” and then avoid her or end up resenting her because you feel corralled into doing something you don’t want to do. It would be far healthier for both of you to politely decline the request by saying something like: “Thanks for asking me, but I’m just too busy right now.” If your friend gets upset, the offense is her responsibility not yours–as long as you are not abusive in your delivery.

So give it a go and just say “NO!” That way – when you say “yes” – you will truly mean it!

October 25, 2023

Communication · How to Thrive! · Online Dating · Relationships · Romance

Is the Honeymoon Over? Ten Tips to Keeping the Romance Alive

Falling in love is like an orgasm on crack! (Not that I have actually done crack—but you get the picture.) The process is known to be as powerful as an aphrodisiac. The sky seems bluer, the honey tastes sweeter, and yesterday’s problems fade to black. I’ve even seen many severely depressed people suddenly become hopeful and more positive about their futures once magically kissed by the splendor of love as if a double shot of Prozac had been directly injected in their brains.

Can this phase go on forever? Unlikely – but it doesn’t have to end entirely! True, some would say that the crossover from romantic love/falling in love to mature love can be a grand disappointment–maybe somewhat akin to Cinderella’s carriage turning back into a pumpkin. But why can’t the pumpkin be turned into a delicious pie? It can, if you practice the following 10 tips.

Reengage in courting practices. Courting is a behavioral practice that should be continued across the course of a relationship. Send love notes, cute text messages, create fun rituals for renewing your commitment to one another. Pick a flower and put it on his/her pillow before bed. Random acts of kindness can go a long way!
Always be curious about your partner. Understand that as much as we can get to know another person – there is always more to understand! As humans we have an ebb and flow of different feelings and thoughts on a daily basis–so get to know your partner every day!
Compliment your lover daily. Trade expectation for appreciation. We are all so prone to focusing on negativity, but it’s the positive comments that make us grow and shine.
Make sure to touch each other often. Even when we are annoyed, we benefit from physical affection because it grounds us back into a place of softness and that usually leads to more intimacy.
Spend at least ten minutes a day facing one another with concentrated eye contact while sharing something about you from your heart. When couples gaze into each other’s eyes, they are reminded of how special and important they are to one another.
Stop romanticizing the honeymoon phase! It doesn’t last forever and while it is beautiful and wonderful so too can be the security of having your tried-and-true partner by your side, day after day.
Communicate when something troubles you. Otherwise you’re likely to create a pile of resentments–a surefire way to deaden the intimacy.
Be open to making changes in your behavior to please you partner. If your goal is to keep your love fully alive, then don’t be stubborn for the sake of being right!
Remember that couples who play together are more likely to stay together! Do something unusual – change it up a bit – find a sport you both like to do pick a game do a crossword puzzle. Just have fun!
Spend a little time apart now and again! Sure most of us necessarily need to be apart from our lover simply because of work – but sometimes it’s good to separate during non-work hours, too. But not for too long – while absence makes the heart grow fonder – so too can absence make the heart go wander.

So if that flitter of butterflies in your stomach starts to wither – don’t despair! You can regenerate the romance by taking proactive and loving steps to keep you and your lover’s heart a twitter!

October 25, 2023

Relationships · Uncategorized

Is Your Relationship Doomed? – 5 Telltale Signs

Is Your Relationship Doomed?–5 Telltale Signs

Ending a relationship inevitably comes along with tremendous pain for a couple. But sometimes it’s better to cut your losses before you get in too deep rather than continue moving forward in a relationship that is most likely doomed to fail anyway. Mind you, as a Love Warrior, it takes a lot for me to recommend that someone walk away from a long-term relationship, especially if there are complicating factors such as sharing children or being co-mingled financially. Yet while I strongly advocate for doing everything possible to try to save a relationship (especially if there once was love between the couple), in some cases it’s better to endure the pain and grief from ending it rather than suffer longer-term unhappiness. Below are several scenarios where it might just be in everyone’s best interest to say “c’est la vie” and move on!

You discover that your partner has been cheating on you.

Sure, if there had been a one-time kiss or minor infraction during the early stage of dating before firm commitments or vows were made, then that may draw a different conclusion. But if your partner has been two-timing you all along and/or he/she does not want to change his/her ways—there’s a very slim chance of ever regaining trust. And without trust—a relationship cannot be healthy.

You discover a truly offensive big secret about your partner.

For instance – you find out your guy watches lots of porn, you ask him to stop, and he refuses. In this situation, your partner is demonstrating that your concerns do not matter to him. Without mutual and reciprocal care of one another, you will become a doormat and that is never a happy scene.

One or both of you change something in your value system that will significantly affect your long-term compatibility.

For instance, your wife, once a devout Catholic, decides to throw all religion away and become an atheist and you want to remain true to your faith. Or you both had agreed to either have children or not have children and one of you changes your mind and isn’t willing to converse or negotiate about the subject. While many healthy couples face these dilemmas all the time, if there is no willingness to negotiate, then one person becomes solely dominant in the decision-making process. Unless someone is extremely passive and wants a secondary role in the relationship, resentments are bound to build until they boil over in ugly unresolvable conflict.

You realize you’ve actually made a big mistake.

For instance, your relationship began in a crisis wherein one of you rescued the other out of a bad situation, and now that things are settled, you find that you’re no longer attracted to your partner or you find out you have very little in common. While this may not be a time to end the relationship altogether, it certainly warrants a pause and possibly some counseling to see if it makes sense to move forward as a couple. Generally speaking, however, if attraction completely dies, it’s virtually impossible to resurrect it. And if you have little in common with someone, then you’ll most likely distance yourself from your partner and possibly create a fertile ground for infidelity. While opposites often attract, it’s generally similarities that keep people together. Mind you, if children are in the picture, then I would recommend much further exploration of this issue. But certainly, if you’re not already married and/or you don’t have other extenuating circumstance that keep you together, go find someone who lights your fire and with whom you can’t wait to share your day!

Your partner develops some type of illness, either mental or physical, and you don’t think you have the stamina to deal with it.

While this may seem cruel to leave someone with an illness—some people do not have the ability to handle these things. Mind you, probably not a good idea to abandon your lover in a crisis—but if you’re not burdened by other variables, you should think long and hard about whether you can handle the situation without secretly or overtly “hating” your partner for not being the person you signed up for. Of course, if you’ve been with someone for many years, I would hope that you would work on becoming more compassionate and tolerant of unforeseeable changes and events. But if you’ve only recently started dating and haven’t made any long term commitments, I think it’s fair to accept your limits and allow your partner to find someone who is more of a caregiver.

If any of these scenarios occur and if you truly love one another, first seek relationship counseling to see if you can sort things out. If you do decide to break away, clearly it’s always best to do so lovingly and kindly, even if your partner is angry with you for your decision to leave. Also, everyone’s situation is unique. So please don’t pull the break-up trigger based on my outline unless it’s truly the right decision for you!

October 25, 2023

Online Dating · Relationships

Avoiding First Date Disasters: 10 Tips to Get a Second Date

While some folks truly enjoy the rush of a first date encounter, many people find the experience to be paralyzing, anxiety-ridden, and something to be avoided at all costs. But unless you happen to meet Mr. Right or Ms. Awesome in a random chance encounter while ordering your nonfat, Caramel Latte, no additional sweetener, extra caramel at your favorite café, you’re probably going to have to do the dating thing if you want to pursue romantic love. So how do you keep the dating experience positive and avoid sticking your foot in your mouth? Below are 10 tips to keep in mind if you’d like to get to a second date! (BTW—these guidelines assume you’ve had only minimal contact with the person you’re meeting for the first time.)

Keep the chitter-chatter light and simple. While many people cringe at the thought of “small talk,” we must practice this necessary evil upon a first encounter and demonstrate self-restraint. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t divulge anything personal, but be careful not to explode with intimate details about the traumas and tragedies from your history. Letting someone know you ended a bad relationship a few years ago, setting back your trust a bit, is fine whereas unloading all of your issues, while feverishly slurping pasta with sauce dripping down your chin, is not!
Meet face-to-face at a neutral place. While beautiful ambience can create positive feelings, avoid meeting at a romantic spot or a super pretty place on a first date. The idea is to get a sense of whether you see possibilities in the person you’re meeting and not get distracted or enamored by the immediate surrounds. That doesn’t mean you have to meet at a dive bar or an ugly, rundown park. Rather, just pick a neutral place with a good vibe and a noise level conducive for good conversation.
Pick an activity with low adrenaline. Too much action may cloud your judgment as to whether you actually like your date or are just pumped up from the rush of the activity. Good choices: meeting for coffee/tea, picnic at a park, grabbing a light lunch or dinner.
Minimize alcohol consumption. I’m sure this is obvious, but I can’t tell you how many men and women have reported having had too much to drink on a first date and then not being able to accurately reflect on the quality of the person with whom they chugged Tequila shots. If you’re plagued by uncomfortable first-date jitters, excuse yourself to the bathroom and practice healthier relaxation tools, such as deep breathing or soothing visualizations.
Don’t dress to impress. That doesn’t mean you should dress to under-impress or repel. Rather create an external package that is reflective of how you would dress if you were in an ongoing relationship. For instance, if as a woman, you prefer to wear flats—don’t wear five-inch stilettos. You’ll just look awkward; not sexy!
Accept compliments graciously. While all of us have some holes in our self-esteem, if someone expresses appreciation for one of your qualities and you negate the compliment, the deliveryman/woman may end up feeling slighted and perceive you as an insecure person. Granted, some people are turned on by those who lack self-worth. But if you move forward with this type of person, you’ll likely discover you will be controlled in the relationship and kept on the lower end of the totem pole. Overtime, your self-value will whither away even further. So if you lack confidence, you should probably consider postponing the dating game until you build up your inner self-love.
Be on time (or no more than ten minutes fashionably late). While some people have high tolerance for tardiness, most people find it to be rude and inconsiderate. If you are running late, make sure to let your date know as soon as you know you won’t make the date on time. Waiting until the actual meeting time to inform your date of your lateness may also be perceived as inconsiderate!
Keep a balance in the conversation. Some people talk a lot because of nervous energy, but others simply talk nonstop about themselves because they truly believe they are more “special” and important than anyone else. While it’s good to share about your interests and experiences, make sure you attend to your date as well. Ask questions and comment on the responses. If your date doesn’t reciprocate in kind, it may be a red flag that he/she will be a lousy relationship partner because he/she won’t give a rat’s ass about you or your needs. (BTW—if food is involved in the date: don’t talk with your mouth full!)
If you had a nice time-say so. Playing the coy game of keeping ‘em guessing, doesn’t really pan out to be a good tactic for successful dating. Don’t go overboard with excitement, but it’s cool to let your date know if you had fun. On the other hand, don’t be rude if you have no intentions of ever seeing this person again. However, if you’re sure he/she will never be a contender, don’t make false promises or directives to call you. Instead, be gentle and honest and say something like: “Glad we had a chance to meet but I just don’t think we would be a good fit. But I wish you all the best!”
No sex—no matter what (unless you’re willing to risk the high probability that you will never hear from or see this person again.) Whether he or she is the hottest being on the planet and you’re salivating for a romp in the hay—just say “no.” You can’t possibly know enough about a person on a first date to warrant a sexual encounter and you deserve more opportunities to discover whether or not this is a person with whom you’d like to become intimate. Of course, if all you want is a one-night stand, then at least practice safe sex and be prepared for it to be a lousy and unfulfilling experience!

Remember these are just guidelines, not absolutes. Also, keep in mind that sometimes people deserve a second chance. Just like tasting a fine wine—the first sip is not always representative of how it will ultimately either delight or repel your taste buds. Sometimes people also need more than one sampling to truly know whether their flavors will tickle your fancy. So don’t be too hasty and rule someone out at first glance, unless of course you see blazing deal-breakers right out of the gate!

Happy Dating!!

October 25, 2023

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