ADD/ADHD Archives - Dr. Debra Mandel

ADD/ADHD · Communication · Depression · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Stress Management

Is Preoccupation Your Favorite Location? 7 Tips On How To Stop Being Consumed With Worry And Start Living In The Present Moment!

Has someone ever asked you: “Hey, what are you thinking about?” or something of the sort, referring to observing you checkout of a conversation? Or do you often find yourself consumed with thoughts about things over which you don’t have any immediate control? Or have you been so entrenched in random thoughts, you’ve totally lost track of time? IF you answered “yes” to any of the above, then preoccupation may have become your favorite location. And you’re probably missing out on enjoyable moments in the present because you simply can’t get your mind off of other unnecessary distractions.

Of course, I’m teasing when I infer that anyone actually favors or likes being in a state of worry, but I want to get your attention because, while you may not enjoy worrying, you’ve become attached in some way to your fears and concerns. But, just as you can “unfollow” someone on Twitter, or block someone from your Facebook, you can learn to “unfriend” one of the enemies of the mind—i.e., preoccupation!

Clearly, you aren’t the first or only person on the planet to become somewhat obsessive about the details of life. After all, we live in a complicated world with many pressures and stressors. But worrying about things we have no control over – namely, the past or the future, is a recipe for disaster! Plus it breeds, not only emotional discomfort and anxiety (fearing danger when there is none), but a whole lot of other bodily ailments such as: sleepless nights, headaches, muscle tension, and loss of motivation. That’s not to say that planning for the future and/or assessing mistakes made in the past and learning from them doesn’t have great value. But dwelling on something that hasn’t happened yet (and may never happen) or being mired in regret over things that have already passed, will only thwart your ability to enjoy the present moment and deprive you of peace and joy.

So if you’re ready to start occupying your mind more productively, try the following 7 tips:

Visualize a stop sign in your mind. This should be erected whenever you travel down the road to worry and preoccupation. Symbolic pictures in our mind are powerful in redirecting our thoughts.
Replace all “what if” questions with “what is,” and “what else?” For instance, if you fear you will be passed over for a promotion and then worry that you’ll never be able to afford your dream vacation (the ‘what if’), you should instead think, “As of now, I’m still in the running (the ‘what is’), but whether I get the promotion or not, I can look at other avenues to earn extra money for travel (the ‘what else’).” This allows for positive outcomes instead of catastrohpies.
Remind yourself that most of the things we worry about don’t actually happen and when they do, they usually aren’t as bad as we imagined. Of course, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes you will have to deal with catastrophes. But at least save your internal resources for when they actually occur and not waste them on pictures of events that aren’t reality.
Keep a journal of things that bother you. Sometimes, simply putting our worries down on paper allows them to dissipate more quickly.
Practice the triangle of getting centered. 1) Sit down in a supportive position with feet firmly planted on the ground; 2) take ten deep breaths exhaling longer than inhaling; 3) scan the immediate environment for danger. Usually you’ll discover that there is no imminent threat to your wellbeing, so you will start to relax.
Don’t procrastinate! Obviously, this is easier said than done for those who have become accustomed to putting off until tomorrow what should be done today. But, while there are some things we can postpone without serious consequences, life usually runs more smoothly when we tackle what’s within our reach in the present moment.
Do not over schedule yourself. Even if you are superman/woman, we all have limitations to how much we can get done in any given day, lest we compromise meeting our basic needs. Sure you can forgo sleep for a night or two to accomplish something you’re really excited about, but that would not be a healthy solution long-term.

Now sit back, think happy thoughts, and take life one-step at a time!

October 25, 2023

About Psychotherapy · ADD/ADHD · Communication · How to Thrive! · Relationships · Self-Love · Stress Management

Lose the Shame and Get Back in the Game of Life—8 Tips to Accept Your Mistakes and Move Forward with Positivity!

Do you beat yourself up over minor mistakes? Do you often feel bad about yourself and see others as better than you? Do you take less than you deserve in life because you fear others won’t like you or might see you as greedy? If so, more than likely you suffer from too much shame. Unlike guilt (the experience we have when we’ve done something wrong), shame is a state-of-being wherein we perceive ourselves as unworthy, damaged, and/or underserving of having our needs met.

Trust me. No one understands the consequences of excessive shame better than I do. I lived the first half of my life plagued by it. Shame causes us to treat ourselves badly and prohibits us from living fully and happily in our lives. Sure, we all need a small dose of it, now and again, to keep us humble and able to be civilized. But when shame runs the show, we’re doomed.

Sadly, those who need to experience shame, like serial killers, rapists, child molesters, etc., often don’t even have a conscience at all, let alone the capacity to judge themselves harshly. Whereas “good people,” who occasionally make mistakes or do the wrong thing, often become mired in a state of shame. And even sadder, these same folks often don’t believe they deserve any better.

What does shame get you? More shame and a perpetual existence of making yourself small. Or sometimes people compensate for deep feelings of deprivation due to shame and secretly harbor excessive entitlement! Neither makes for a happy existence.

So if the above describes you—try the following 8 tips to help you unplug from the negativity of shame and move into the realm of positivity!

Say aloud five kind things about yourself daily. These don’t have to be grandiose as in “I’m the greatest person on earth.” But instead, for instance, if you are a compassionate person, then honor that quality. (BTW- if your shame prevents you from being able to identify any characteristics to admire in yourself, then ask a friend or loved one to give you ideas.)
Do something for yourself you would not ordinarily do – get a massage, indulge in a one-hour bubble bath or take a drive somewhere you find beautiful. When we act as if we are worthy and meaningful, we usually start to feel more important.
Practice the mantra – “I can’t please all people all of the time.” Furthermore, try to remember that most of the time it really doesn’t matter what other people think about us! But what we think about our own selves matters the most!
Make note that good people sometimes do not-so-good things. This fact, however, does not equate with being a bad or unworthy person. Cut yourself some slack. Acknowledge your mistakes and then move on.
Stop trying to control things you have no control over. There is no better way than to feel ineffective and bad about yourself than by expecting yourself to be able to fix something that isn’t in your power to fix, e.g. like other people places and things. So instead, take control of what is in your power, that is, your own feelings, thoughts, and actions!
Create a balance between doing things for yourself and doing things for others. It’s wonderful to be generous with our time and energy for the good of others. But when we do so at the expense of meeting our own needs, we will ultimately drown. So make sure you remember yourself in the process. And please note—when you’re doing things for others – it should come from a place of generosity, not from trying to prove you are valuable.
Don’t let childhood wounds dictate how you feel about yourself in adulthood. If you were treated badly – remember that you have the power to treat yourself well today.
Avoid negative people or those who provide unconstructive criticism, if you can. It’s not likely to be able to completely eliminate harsh or demanding people from our lives, but when it’s a viable option, take it! For instance, while we may have to deal with a crotchety co-worker for a year or so in order to get the promotion you’re waiting for–there’s no need to continue a friendship with someone who is never there for you in your time of need but who will readily suck all of your time and attention for her benefit!

I’m well aware that these tips may be very hard to implement, particularly for those who have been badly abused or neglected in their lives. But the transformation of shame into healthy self-worth must be done in order to have the freedom to choose a happy existence in adulthood. So if shame is the block to your sense of wellbeing, get help now! If you can’t afford professional counseling, use alternate resources such as support groups, self-help books, or other community offerings. Help is available if you seek it!!

October 25, 2023

ADD/ADHD

Bringing Out the Best in Children with AD(H)D

What is AD(H)D-Attention Deficit (Hyperactivity) Disorder?

“He won’t sit still, he doesn’t complete his school work and he gets distracted by everything. I don’t know what to do,” complains Sandi about her 11-year-old son.

Mary and Tom, exasperated by their 10-year-old daughter, exclaim, “Sarah constantly forgets where she put her homework, never finishes her chores, and loses important stuff, no matter how often we remind her. It’s like she’s in la-la land.”

These parents among millions of others have children suffering from AD(H)D, not to be confused with temporary crankiness or irritability. Rather it’s a real disorder characterized by a cluster of many symptoms.

AD(H)D is characterized by inattention, and/or hyperactivity/impulsivity that is more severe than what typically appears for that child’s age group. The child experiences symptoms for a minimum of six months, showing problems in more than one arena (e.g. both at school and at home). Symptoms are not due to another disorder like depression, anxiety or autism. However, because of tremendous overlap in symptoms among a variety of other disorders, diagnosis can be very difficult and require expert assessment.

Signs of inattention often show up as failure to follow through on instructions, poor task completion, difficulty with organization, avoidance of tasks requiring concentration, loss of important materials for school or other activities, high distractibility, and forgetfulness. Typical signs of hyperactivity/impulsivity include fidgetiness, inability to remain seated, restlessness (running around, climbing on chairs and other behaviors inappropriate for the setting), difficulty handling quiet time, being revved up, and talking or interrupting others excessively. A child with AD/HD may have either inattention or impulsivity, or both.

Children with AD(H)D frequently suffer from low-self esteem and a sense of social failure as their behavior can be quite annoying to people around them. These problems become especially pronounced in children who haven’t been properly diagnosed or who have been pegged as a “bad seed.” If left untreated these problems often get worse and the sufferer may also develop a propensity toward failure, a negative self-identity, problems in social and intimate relationships, and difficulty functioning in the workplace.

Though the child clearly faces enormous obstacles and challenges, those who are close to the child—parents, siblings, teachers, etc., experience multiple challenges as well. Therefore, AD(H)D must be viewed as a family issue. And everyone surrounding the child needs to work together to minimize its negative consequences.

Causes

As with most conditions, the jury is still out on what causes AD(H)D. However, most experts point to heredity/genetics, problems during pregnancy (e.g., premature birth, abuse of alcohol/drugs, poor nutrition), and/or abnormal levels of neurotransmitters (i.e., the brain chemicals that regulate behavior). Brain trauma such as a blow to the head with a baseball or a serious car accident may also contribute to the development of AD(H)D.

Helping Your Child

If your child has been diagnosed with AD(H)D or you suspect that he/she meets the criteria, be proactive and take positive action. Don’t get bogged down by feelings of shame or inadequacy. Your child’s behavior is not a reflection of poor parenting or of lack of intelligence. Also, don’t fool yourself into believing that things will improve with time. The sooner the child is treated, the better he will ultimately fare in school, at home, and later in the community at large.

First and foremost, create a treatment team that includes you, your child’s teacher, principal, pediatrician, and a mental health professional. Consider a combination of counseling, behavior modification, and medication therapy. While the thought of medication can be frightening, it can facilitate the effectiveness of other therapies. Plus, a variety of medications are now being used in addition to the well-known stimulant Ritalin, such as a non-stimulant, Strattera. Specialists typically don’t prescribe medication before the child reaches kindergarten age. Because of the abundance of literature on the pros and cons of drug therapy, it’s crucial to discuss all possibilities with a pediatrician or psychiatrist.

Below are a few tips you can apply right away to help keep your child on track particularly with regards to his education.

Designate an area in the house to keep all school supplies (books, pencils, notebooks, etc). This will help minimize the tendency to misplace, forget or lose important things.
Keep distractions to a minimum while your child needs to be focused on a task. Turn off the television, radio, or other noisemakers.
Enlist the help of siblings.
Help your child create a checklist of tasks completed to encourage a sense of accomplishment.
Divide tasks into small pieces. During the breaks, have your child blow-off steam with some kind of physical exercise or stretching or an activity he finds appealing.
Applaud positive behavior with praise instead of material things. This helps build self-worth and intrinsic motivation.
Cultivate your child’s strengths such as creativity and imagination, traits often associated with AD(H)D.
Be flexible. Pay close attention to what works for your particular child and modify as she develops and gains more control.

Resources

There exists an abundance of information on the Internet and in self-help books; take advantage of it. Also, be assertive in requesting assistance from your child’s school. Many states provide special programs for extra support. When searching for a mental health specialist, contact your county’s psychological association, your pediatrician or your local hospital for a recommendation. Most importantly, get the support you need for yourself so that you’ll remain an anchor for your child and refrain from pulling your hair out!

October 25, 2023