When You Feel Funny About Your Friend’s Honey

Have you ever been in the position of having a close friend whom you perceive to be in a bad relationship, but your friend is blinded by “love?” You want to tell her what you think but you’re pretty certain she won’t listen. Or worse yet, she might falsely believe you are jealous or envious of her and then won’t trust your genuine intentions of helping her steer clear of a future broken-heart. If you’ve ever experienced this scenario, you know how awkward and uncomfortable this situation can be. And, you may be at a loss for what to do and/or question whether you should do anything at all.

I can say for certain that I have been in several not-so-good, and even downright abusive relationships, wherein I knew my friends could see the writing on the wall—but I was too invested, too stubborn, or too whatever to see the red flags in front of me. Yet, because they feared my possible reaction and didn’t want to offend me, many very insightful opinions were never spoken. As a result, I probably stayed longer in these dead-end, painful, relationships than would have been necessary had someone had the “courage” to speak her mind and set me straight. Mind you, this is not anyone else’s fault, and it certainly isn’t anyone’s responsibility to micromanage someone’s chosen love path. But I think many of us go mute for fear of undesirable consequences when a friend may truly need a wake-up call.

If you know someone you believe is headed down, or already on, misery row—you might try the following course or action:

Check your motives! Be certain you are not operating out of jealousy or envy but rather out of pure concern for your friend’s wellbeing.
Before diving in with your laundry list of doubts, ask your friend first if he/she is open to feedback concerning your observations/opinions about his/her relationship. Often times, people are more receptive to feedback if they feel it has been solicited rather than completely unsolicited.
1. If the answer is “no,” then let it go. Of course, in a situation where your friend is being abused, you probably shouldn’t remain silent. Your statement may be as simple as, “I care about you and I want you to be aware that I am very worried about you and hope you will reconsider the relationship you have chosen.” If your friend blows you off—at least you will have a clear conscience that you have voiced your fear. Hopefully, somewhere down the line, when she figures it out for herself, she will seek your aid and see you as her ally, not her enemy.
2. If the answer if “yes”, tread softly-but directly. You might say something like: “I don’t want to interfere with your choices, and this is only my opinion, but…(insert your opinion here).”
Give a personal example. Many people become more receptive to feedback when they have a sense that the messenger has shared in a similar personal experience. So if you have had a relationship in your life wherein you were blind-sighted to all the warning signs, let your friend know that he is not alone and that you are coming from a place of empathy, not harsh judgment.
Be prepared for some awkwardness between you and your friend. Most people are pretty sensitive when it comes to matters of the heart. Simultaneously, most of us like the approval from our friends as to the choices we make in our lives. If these two are in contrast, conflict can ensue. But conflict is not always a bad thing and can sometimes drive our friendships to deeper and more meaningful levels.

Probably of most importance is to let your friend know that you respect his/her choices and you will do your best to stand by him/her no matter what!