Do You Need Some Space From Your Lover or Others? 8 Tips on How to Create Alone-time Without Being Offensive!

Throughout most of my life, I’ve been referred to as a contact chunky! That’s right – someone who couldn’t get enough connection with other people, especially from a significant other no matter how much attention I was given. Truth is – it wasn’t so much about truly loving the contact – but more about my internal loneliness and low self-esteem. In my quest for more and more connection, I falsely believed that someone would finally fill up my empty well. Wrong! Plus, since I was prone to interpreting other people’s need for space as a sign of personal rejection, I feared that my intimate partner would feel the same way. And I certainly didn’t want to be responsible for hurting someone’s feelings.

Through many years of therapy and personal self-growth – I finally was able to grasp that it was me who needed to fill up that hole inside me and let connections with important people around me be a bonus pack– not the substance to my existence. Now, years later, and quite a bit more self-content and self-accepting – I find that I desire a considerably more personal and psychological space. It’s not that I don’t cherish my relationships with my lover, family members, friends, and clients but I just don’t need to be attached at the hip anymore.

I noticed, however, in my plight for separateness and independence– like many others who begin expressing a newfound need, I became a bit of a bull in a China shop and I lacked the proper finesse in stating my needs. For instance, rather than making time for myself, I would sometimes manufacture something to be angry about in order to get some space rather than just ask for it. If you share a similar struggle, here are 8 tips on how to set loving boundaries.

Recognize the difference between the need for personal/psychological space versus physical space. Sometimes we are perfectly capable of hanging out with someone in the same room as long as we are free to do our own thing and only periodically connect with our loved one. This is called “parallel play.” Other times – not only do we need a break from interaction with others, we also need some physical distance to feel fulfilled. That would be called “solitary play.” By allowing ourselves these two forms of play, we create space for “interactive play.” Keep in mind that needing space is not the same as rejecting or abandoning someone. All three forms of play are essential to creating quality intimacy and avoiding resentments or feelings of being smothered.
Know the difference between extroverts (whose tanks fill up in the presence of others) and introverts (whose tanks fill up in their own internal world). Knowing the difference helps you understand that the need for space and/or closeness is sometimes simply due to one’s natural temperament.
Use technology to your advantage. If you are with somebody who tends to be a bit insecure, give him or her some reassurance. For example, send a text message with a term of endearment or leave a loving voicemail. A couple of extra minutes of effort in this department can buy you hours of free time without worrying about whether your partner feels neglected.
Make sure you and your partner work on filling up any self-esteem holes so that the two of you can enjoy the benefits of both aloneness and connectedness. After all – a true love connection does not go away simply because you’re not in one’s physical presence.
When you are with your partner, make sure you are truly present. Most people, if they feel honored and attended to when you are with them, will have an easier time in your absence.
Avoid creating conflict in order to get your separate time. If you need some space, just ask for it with love and kindness in your voice. For example, say the following to your lover: “Hey sweetie, I’m thinking it would be good for me and ultimately for us, if I spend Saturday doing my own thing.”
When you do schedule time to be apart, use the time wisely. If the goal is to replenish yourself, then do something with your time that makes you feel fulfilled. Then when you do reunite, you’ll be a better partner.
Create sacred time to be together. Remember, becoming a “space-junky” is no healthier than being a “contact-junky.” So don’t let the pendulum swing too far the other way. Instead, find the balance that allows you to have both!