Most of us enter into relationships with the idea that we will enjoy the peace-of-mind that comes along with the commitment of monogamy. I’m not talking about casual dating scenarios, wherein neither person has made any sort of statement promising sexual exclusivity, but rather, those intimate bonds wherein each professes “long-term” love and attachment. That’s not to say that this is the only form of a healthy intimate relationship, as some people profess “polyamory” as a better way to go. Nevertheless, the norm seems to be two lovers within a committed relationship, not three or more.
Sadly however, for whatever reasons not to be belabored in this post, the average human bear struggles with keeping the promise of fidelity, often times even when someone hasn’t even made nuptial vows. And if you’ve ever experienced the devastating moment of discovering that your trusted lover has taken his/her passion and/or heart elsewhere, you know that the wound runs deeper than the Atlantic Ocean. No doubt, even if your partner pleads for forgiveness and proclaims you are “the one and only,” you’re bound to cross the bridge of perpetual doubt.
So does that mean that “once a cheater, always a cheater” and therefore best to call it quits and run for the hills? Or can trust be rebuilt and the relationship repaired, even possibly to a level of intimacy beyond your wildest dreams?
The answer is “YES”
However, many conditions must first be met. If you discover your lover has been entangled with another and you still want to see if there is hope for the two of you to repair the severed bond, use the following list of questions (and guidelines for how to answer them) to help you make a decision to fight for your relationship or end it.
- Worthiness. Do you still have enough love left in your heart toward your partner to help you weather the storm of repairing the damage? There is no easy way to quantify this, but there isn’t much chance of repair if you’ve already grown detached.
- Guilty as Charged. Are you sure your lover committed the dirty deed? If so, is he/she remorseful to the level that you believe there is hope for forgiveness and/or moving forward together?
- The Accomplice Must Go. Is he/she willing to proactively do anything to “prove” to you that the “affair” is over? By and large, if your partner has any reluctance to go the extra mile in this department, he/she won’t be able to win back your trust. Even if he/she says it’s over, more often than not, the betrayed partner needs to be involved in some fashion in “ending” the affair. For example, some couples will jointly send a letter or phone the other man/woman, emphatically stating the affair is over and the couple has decided to rebuild their relationship.
- Serial Cheaters. Does your lover have a history of cheating? If so, under what circumstances? Serial cheaters, even those with really “good” reasons/justifications for why they have strayed in the past, usually do not make good candidates for learning the art of fidelity.
- Looking in the Mirror. Do you recognize any contribution on your part as to creating the “crack” in the relationship wherein your lover felt entitled or justified to override the sacred vow of fidelity? Mind you, you are never responsible for the choice a partner makes in behaving in ways in which you have both agreed would be unacceptable in the relationship—but sometimes our behavior is also “unacceptable,” even if in more subtle ways and this can increase the probability that a partner will act out-of-bounds.
- Prison vs. Parole. Why do you want to stay in the relationship? If you’re simply afraid of moving on, then that is not a good enough reason to stay because it dilutes the importance of your own needs. If however, you see that there were co-contributions to creating problems in the relationship prior to any infidelity and you can see that you can co-create solutions, you have a fighting chance at repair.
- Denial vs. Acceptance. Does your partner have insight about his/her own deficiencies that caused him/her to cheat—or at least a strong curiosity and willingness to develop the self-awareness and new tools to prevent further betrayals should the relationship go through rocky times in the future? If you partner blames you and/or fails to take full responsibility for the actual act of betrayal beyond a simple “I sorry” then please think twice about moving forward together. Lack of accountability correlates with high levels of entitlement and therefore will likely lead to future acts of unacceptable behavior.
After reviewing these questions–If you end up assessing that the relationship is worth rescuing, please seek professional counseling with someone who specializes in the process of helping couples heal from infidelity. If that is not an option for whatever reasons, you will find multiple resources and guidebooks on the Internet—so don’t be stubborn and make yourself do it all on your own. Sometimes the process of healing is counter-intuitive and it’s best to surrender to needing help from others. Above all, do not blame yourself for your partner’s actions—but if you choose to stay—then at some point you must be willing to forgive and re-open your heart to trusting your lover again!
