Raising Your Self-Esteem To The Roof

The word “self-esteem” has become as much a part of our daily conversations as the words “hello” and “good-bye.” We know that having it is good; not having it is bad. And we all pursue getting as much of it as we can. Yet despite all the hoopla about it, many of us remain confused about what it is, especially how to get it.

Contrary to the advertising industry’s insinuation that we can feel better about ourselves through the purchasing of certain products, self-esteem doesn’t come in a box. We can’t buy it, sell it, or trade it. We can’t get it from a wearing a certain brand of mascara, driving the fastest car, or morphing our bodies to look like a Victoria’s Secret catalogue model.

Material things (e.g. fancy lotions, handbags, shoes, designer jeans) or superficial alterations (e.g. facials, Botox injections, losing ten pounds) can provide a temporary boost in self-esteem, but the effects won’t last because they aren’t attached to anything solid within our inner core being. Even impressive accomplishments, like getting a bonus for a job well done, achieving a long-term goal, or winning a Pulitzer Prize won’t create self-esteem if we haven’t already developed an ample supply of it.

So what in the world is this elusive concept of self-esteem? Where does it come from? And how can we raise it to the roof?

Three Ingredients to Healthy Self-esteem

As a psychologist with over twenty years experience helping people build a healthy self-image, I’ve come to view self-esteem as comprised of three essential ingredients: self-love, integrity and responsibility.

Self-love (the experience of embracing, respecting and valuing our core being) allows us to be nurturing toward ourselves. Plus it enables us to generate compassion and empathy for others. Integrity (behaving in symphony with our core values) provides the validation of our self worth, hence, making it real. (After all, if we don’t do as we say or say what we mean, we won’t be trusted and then any sense of self-value becomes based on a facade.) Responsibility (being accountable for our actions, feelings and thoughts) perpetuates acceptance of our mistakes, humility for our imperfections, and the energy to strive for self-improvement.

These three components provide the foundation to feel good about ourselves, thereby generating a healthy self-image. Practicing self-love, integrity and responsibility helps to create a balance between appreciating ourselves and valuing others. Self-esteem doesn’t imply arrogance, as so many of us fear. It does, however, generate confidence and inner strength.

Ideally, our self-esteem develops in childhood. Caregivers create the foundation for positive self-value through demonstrations of love, kindness and respect for our views and opinions and a healthy dose of boundaries and structure. When we receive these goodies throughout our youth, the maintenance of our self-esteem in adulthood becomes a fairly easy task. However, since so many caregivers lack their own self-worth, they fail to pass along the necessary supplies of unconditional love, admiration, respect, positive reinforcement, healthy limits and discipline to their own children. Thus, many people enter adulthood with holes in the foundation.

The good news is that, even if you didn’t get your emotional needs met and/or if your caregivers treated you in ways that left you feeling unworthy, you can build your self-esteem at any stage of life.

While the challenge may not be easy, if you practice the following tips, you should begin to see positive effects right away.

Get rid of any negative messages you’ve been holding onto from the past. Even if you believe them to be true, it won’t do you any good to harp on them. Transform these negative codes into realistic, positive appraisals. For instance, change “I’m unattractive” into “I have many qualities that appeal to others.”
Claim your right to receive positive energy. Make an active statement daily that emphasizes that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Don’t settle for anything less from anyone, especially from your own self.
Identify your core values and be sure to behave in accordance with them. When we behave outside our value system we create what is called “cognitive dissonance.” The dissonance can lead to anxiety and depression—two very big destroyers of self-esteem. It’s okay to make value adjustments throughout one’s life—but just be aware of what you believe in and be consistent with your actions.
Make every effort to lead a productive life. If you tend to be lazy or to procrastinate, then figure out why, and spend your freed-up energy toward living fully.
Keep a healthy balance between honoring your own needs and respecting those of others. People with positive self-regard, are not selfish but they know how to be self-focused while also caring about other people.

Most importantly, if these self-help methods don’t work or you feel stuck in the trenches, you owe it to yourself to get professional help. The very act of seeking help can be the first step toward building self-esteem!