Have you ever become estranged from a loved one because of a different life path, physical distance, time restrictions or irreconcilable differences? Or maybe you don’t even know why your once close confidant won’t even give you the time of day anymore. Well, you certainly wouldn’t be alone.
Jane hadn’t spoken to her mom, Paula, in years. Paula had sent Jane letters on many occasions pleading for an explanation but Jane refused to respond. She’d been angry at her mom since childhood because she perceived that Paula had favored Jane’s younger sister, Erica. Five years ago, Paula invited Erica to dinner without including Jane—usually they all three met for dinner once per month. Jane saw this as further proof that her mother liked Jane better and this straw broke the camel’s back.
Pam and Jenny (sisters) lost their closeness because a couple of years ago Pam asked Jenny if she had put on a few pounds. Pam certainly meant no harm. Actually she was worried since Jenny had always been in such good shape and Pam thought something might be wrong with her sister as in some sort of illness or hormonal issue. But Jenny’s feelings were hurt beyond repair and she jumped to the conclusion that Pam was shaming her.
Tom had completely severed ties with his best friend Kevin. According to Tom, Kevin only thinks about himself. The two of them had a terrible argument last year when Kevin blew off a promise he’d made to Tom. Tom never gave Kevin a chance to explain.
Clearly, some relationships are better off severed altogether especially in cases of abuse or when a relationship developed around a particular function that no longer exists and there is no chemistry or common interest to keep the connection going. For instance, we might have a causal co-worker relationship that develops because we both share a dislike of our boss. Yet, when we change jobs, we recognize we really had nothing worth holding onto. These kinds of relationships usually fizzle out without much feelings of loss. However, many people break ties with significant people due to misunderstandings and irrational conclusions about intentions. Many times a rift appears irresolvable when it occurs, but as we calm down and get some perspective, we discover that we’ve made a mountain out of a molehill. We want to make amends but we’re at a loss for how to begin. But there is hope with the right tools!
Jane and her mom, Pam and her sister, and Tom and his friend all discovered that they had each had a role in their rifts and needed to come to a new understanding. They all salvaged their damaged connection once they knew how to communicate better and develop more reasonable expectations of what their relationships should and could provide and learn to let go of unrealistic demands of others.
While we won’t all have such happy endings, there are lots we can do to try to repair connections before completely casting these people to the side.
© Copyright Dr. Debra Mandel – All rights reserved.