A Quick Guide for Women on Increasing Self-Love

Become the Best You!

Self-hatred, feelings of inadequacy, envy of others and insecurity plague so many women. The media floods us with unrealistic images of the perfect body. Online and magazine articles direct us on how to lose ten pounds overnight, equating happiness with weight loss. We’re offered breast implants, liposuction, and collagen injections. The message—We’re not okay as we are!

The more we buy the media prescribed ideal and believe we fall short, the more ammunition we give to the process of self-attack. As such, we easily get sucked into a perpetual cycle of changing our beings, never fully appreciating our outer or inner essence. Plus, self-devaluation breeds a tendency to compare ourselves less favorably to others around us and the vicious cycle ensues.

Jenny follows multiple Instagram accounts suggesting healthier food options, but she can never stick to them for more than a week or so. She’s tried every diet imaginable–losing ten pounds, then gaining back fifteen. Though she is strong and healthy, she will never look like the swimsuit models on Instagram who have thousands of followers. Because she was teased for being plump as a child, she grew to despise her body. She doesn’t see the beauty of her curves.

Vanessa, a young woman blessed with thick, dark, curly hair, spends all of her spare change getting it straightened and dyeing it blond. Meanwhile her friends spend their last dollars on hair thickening devices and curling irons trying to get some wave and bounce to their dos. They all focus on what they don’t have rather than what they do have.

The problem extends beyond physicality. Many women also devalue aspects of their personality. “No man will ever want me. A woman has to submissive and soft-spoken to be desirable. I’m far too outspoken to ever be thought of as sexy,” Karen would mutter in our therapy sessions, actually believing this nonsense.

Like Jenny, Vanessa, and Karen we can’t possibly feel good about ourselves as long as we do this treacherous dance of devaluing our being and continually forcing a change. There’s certainly nothing wrong with bettering ourselves, but we must ask–“What’s the motivation?”

Whenever we pursue change because of self-consciousness, fear of being different from others or because of trying to achieve an unreal standard, we enter into dangerous territory. We keep ourselves prisoners of some unreasonable standard and we can never truly live happily.

After twenty years of clinical practice as a psychologist, I’ve come to believe that the key to happiness and peace is to embrace ourselves fully, both our strengths and our limitations. In fact, in many situations, what we often perceive to be our faults can become our greatest assets. But only once we make these qualities work for us.

If you have a quality that you don’t truly care for, it’s okay to work on changing it. But it has to come from a place of acceptance and self-love, not from a pool of criticism and hostility. Plus, the best bonus of all is that when we cherish our own uniqueness, we open the door to being able to celebrate and respect differences in others. Only then can we finally rid ourselves of conditions like prejudice, sexism and racism.

Once Jenny learned to embrace the fullness of her body, she gave up the yo-yo, dieting rituals. She developed a healthy attitude toward food and actually grew to enjoy exercising, ultimately accentuating her strength and appreciating her power. Plus, she stopped torturing herself with unrealistic images portrayed in social media.

Vanessa stopped wasting so much money trying to live out the “blondes have more fun” and “straighter is better” syndromes. Instead she came to enjoy accessorizing the mop she was given.

Karen finally stopped silencing herself. While she opted to learn the art of tactful expression, she came to also embrace her outgoing personality. She could finally appreciate that she didn’t have to be one or the other—both qualities could co-exist.

You, too, can appreciate and love your unique qualities by using the following tips:

Acknowledge and heal the wounds from your childhood that get in the way of your ability to cherish yourself. For instance, if a caregiver treated you badly, accept that this was a limitation of your caregiver, not a reflection of your worthiness.
Get rid of shame, negative self-talk and a harsh inner critic. Replace with words and actions of kindness and encouragement.
Hold yourself proudly in the world (fake it if you have to until you believe in yourself).
Unless you intentionally set out to hurt others or act immorally, stop punishing yourself. Save guilt and remorse for when you really do something wrong.
Celebrate yourself regularly. Spend at least fifteen minutes per day actively acknowledging the good you bring into the world. If you have trouble thinking of the positive, let your friends and loved ones help you until you internalize the message.

If you find that you can’t break the cycle of self-negativity, then please seek counseling. After all, you deserve to feel better about yourself!