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Are You With a Chump: Take the Test!

Please note that before you go any further, if you're guy is abusive in any way-he qualifies as a chump no matter what you score on the self-test. Abuse includes any form of verbal, physical or sexual assault. While all chumps aren't abusers, all abusers are definitely chumps, and of the worst kind. So even if your guy only rates about a 0 or 1 on any of the items below, it doesn't matter. He might be an angel most of the time. But if he's got some switch that gets activated now and again where he feels entitled to hit you or force you to have sex with him when you've said "NO," for example, then whatever good behavior he demonstrates doesn't wipe out those in the abuse category. If you are in such a situation, please don't close this book thinking I couldn't possibly understand this dynamic. I've been in relationships where I was battered, sexually assaulted and even had my life threatened. I know every excuse in the book why I deserved what I got. But none of these rationales make any sense. People who abuse others do so because they are weak and unable to deal with frustration. You can never cause someone to behave this way, unless you yourself are being abusive and your mate is operating in self-defense.

Hopefully you're not with an abuser, but if so you need to get whatever help necessary to get yourself to a safe place and out of the relationship-these behaviors should never be tolerated. Now back to the quiz.

If your score doesn't reflect that you're with a chump, remember this is an imperfect test and may not include all indicators. Or maybe you discover your guy really isn't that bad, you may still want to get out of the relationship if it's not meeting your needs. Plus you may still have a lot to gain by reading ahead anyway, since it will help you develop better chump radar for future pickings and may help you make sense of previous relationships that didn't work out.

Please use the following scale to rate each item

0-never 3-often

1-rarely 4-constantly

2-sometimes

Give yourself a 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 next to each item that best describes your mate.

•  He doesn't consider my feelings or opinions when making decisions that affect both of us.

•  He lies to me about trivial matters.

•  He lies to me about significant matters.

•  He keeps secrets from me.

•  He devalues me in private (calls me names, makes fun of me, etc.).

•  He ridicules me in front of others.

•  He believes or acts as if his needs are more important than mine rather than treat us as equals.

•  He doesn't make spending time together a priority.

•  Our conversations inevitably end up about him.

•  He stores resentments and then explodes on me.

•  He stores resentments and then passively punishes me (e.g. he takes a friend to the basketball game even though he'd promised to take you.)

•  He breaks commitments involving both of us without consulting with me or understanding my feelings.

•  He makes promises about the future and doesn't take any actions toward fulfilling them. (e.g., He complains about his job and tells you he's going to look for another one, but never does.)

•  He expects me to pick up after him when we don't have this agreement.

•  He blames me for his mistakes.

•  He doesn't apologize when he's hurt my feelings on something he knew would hurt (e.g. he promises to take you out to dinner-something he knows you're really looking forward to, and then double-books a business meeting. He goes to the meeting without sharing his concern about how this will affect you or offering any remedy to fix the situation).

•  He apologizes for hurting my feelings and then turns around and does the same thing again knowing I'll be hurt again.

•  He teases me about things I've told him not to because they're my sensitive spots.

•  He laughs at me at my expense.

•  He tells me things he knows I want to hear, but turns around and does what he wants anyway.

•  He tunes me out when I'm talking to him about important matters.

•  He won't make long-term commitments and he doesn't give me feedback about why (e.g., you ask him to come with you to visit your parents and he just says "no").

•  He thinks he's superior to me-disregarding my opinions.

•  He disrespects my family and/or friends.

•  He tries to control my whereabouts (either through manipulation or outright threats of abandonment if I don't comply with his demands).

Add up your points and then use the descriptions below to evaluate your score. Again, please keep in mind that this is a rough guide. This is not rocket-science, nor has this quiz been empirically validated. Rather, simply use it as a tool to give you a sense of the kinds of attitudes and styles of relating commonly employed by chumps. While the higher the score, generally the greater cause for concern, this isn't a perfect system since all items aren't of equal value, nor will they have the same impact on each person.

For instance, for me personally, if I were with a guy who only occasionally lied to me about important stuff, I would not be able to ever trust him. Even if I would be able to rate him a zero on all other items, I'd still think he was a chump and wouldn't be able to have a relationship with him. This is an example of how the lowest possible score might still be grounds for dumping the bum. I just want you to really understand that this is a very subjective rating game, and again it's you who must decide your own tolerance level.

0-5: Virtually Chump Free --Generally speaking, if your guy rates a five or less he's probably a pretty good guy, and the few times he behaves badly may not be such a big deal. Hence, he probably deserves to be cut a bit more slack. If you're miserable with him anyway, you may need to take a look at your own issues to see whether unhealed emotional wounds prohibit you from having any tolerance for errors in one's ways. However, if there are other areas of difficulty in the relationship, then he may not warrant any more of your time or energy. He's probably not a chump, but it may be best for you to call it quits with him nonetheless.

Carmine's beaux, Paul, had a tendency to blame Carmine for his mistakes, holding her accountable for things that were truly his responsibility. For instance, he'd miss an exit off the freeway and get mad at her because she was talking too much. Or he'd forget to pick up tickets to the concert because she kept him up too late the night before talking about her gossiping co-worker. But clearly these were his own misdoings and not her responsibility at all. After all, he's a full-fledged adult who could have easily said-"please let's not talk right now so I can focus on the road." "Or I have to get some sleep because I have a busy day tomorrow."

In and of themselves these tendencies don't warrant labeling Paul a chump because he would eventually recognize that he was taking his stress out on her and he would apologize. Now, if he weren't able to eventually claim what was his responsibility, then that would be a whole other story. But all of us resort to childlike behaviors now and again under conditions of stress, frustration or fear. As long as there's some eventual accountability, we need to have some room for these moments and not get too bent out of shape about them.

Blaming others for one's own is chumpy behavior, but unless someone does this fairly regularly-they don't generally warrant the full label of being a chump. Concerning this couple, Carmine had many other issues with Paul, having very different visions of their future. He didn't want kids. She did. He's Christian, she's Jewish. Neither could fully embrace the other's religion. He liked lounging in his downtime whereas she enjoyed being on the move. So in the end, they split-up, not because Paul was a chump, but rather because they simply didn't share enough in common for them to be satisfied.

6- 20: Low level -Guys who fall into this category are what I call "situational" chumps. They're not the full-blown chump types, but under stress or when they have a bad day, they're liable to act just like those who manifest the whole enchilada. Most of the time, these guys mean well and do have a sense of remorse when they've acted badly.

If you're guy rates at this level, you're probably annoyed with him at times, but he's also got many redeeming qualities that make him lovable. Again, however, if you came up with a score closer to twenty and it's because he received several fours, then the times when he is behaving like a chump may cause enough damage to the relationship and to your self-esteem that it's a good idea to get rid of him. Or, it's also quite possible that with the help of couples counseling you might be able to each make significant changes in how you relate to one another. In fact, you may discover that if you were to take the quiz again answering about your own behavior, you might find that your rating would land in this range as well.

Alexa and Bob were dating for about two years before coming to see me. They were a delightful couple, with Alexa a bundle of energy and Bob, though a bit more subdued, articulate and quite engaging. When they were getting along well, they both felt they would have a wonderful future together, but one of them would inevitably get tweaked by the other's behavior, and they would rapidly spiral into a dark hole of despair.

As it turned out, both Alexa and Bob had experienced fairly emotionally abusive childhood histories with parents who failed to supply many fundamental needs. They were both hungry for each to provide the emotional nurturance that was lacking in their youth. So when one or the other became distant or preoccupied with something, the other would feel wounded.

Because neither of them had learned healthy ways to manage disappointment or frustration, they would lash out at each other and behave more like two temper-tantruming three-year-olds than like the two intelligent adults they were. Fortunately with some new tools and new insights they were able to mend their relationship. But it's important to understand that both Alexa and Bob were willing to do the emotional work necessary to make changes in their behavior toward one another.

Jane and Steve did not experience this resolve. Jane had dragged Steve's butt into therapy threatening to leave him if he didn't stop making fun of her (even though he was just "teasing'), quit leaving his crud all over their place, and stop blaming her for everything that went wrong in their relationship. Unlike Bob, however, Steve had no interest in making any of these changes. He just wanted her to stop whining already and have more sex with him. It became quite obvious early in their counseling that he had no interest in understanding his part in why their relationship was deteriorating rapidly. He bailed out of counseling after a few sessions. And she ultimately decided it was best to move on.

So if your mate rates at this level-ask yourself whether he is truly willing to work on his issues or whether he's pretty much blown you off whenever you've tried to tell him what hurts/bothers you. If he's made promises to change but hasn't, it may mean that he truly wants to, but doesn't know how. If that's the case, then offer to seek counseling with him. But if he refuses to do his part, then regardless of how low he rates on this scale-you're probably better off ending the relationship before you get in even deeper.

21-50: Moderate level -With this kind of guy, you're probably upset with him a good chunk of the time. To receive this kind of score he's doing either a little bit of all these things or several of them a lot. So no matter how you look at it, you've definitely got a chump on your hands. But whether the relationship is salvageable or not will primarily depend on his willingness to change (which isn't very likely) and secondarily on your own personal love goals.

I think you could do much better. But I don't know your particular situation. You may have a great deal invested in the relationship including kids and financial dependency. Or maybe the times that are good are excellent and you can make peace with the rest that doesn't work so well. But if this is the case, you'll have to find a way to accept and not be so affected by his chumpy behavior and seriously lower your expectations of him changing. This is not a bad choice, but I do advise that you seriously consider the ramifications to your happiness in life. If nothing else, do seek the aid of a counselor to help you figure out what's the best course of action.

If, on the other hand, you're unmarried, have little time invested and no kids or financial dependency and you've just been waiting for his full potential to emerge, then I highly recommend you carry on with the plan to dump your chump. And don't continue to give power to your fears. You can and will heal through whatever scares you about moving on. And someday you'll be able to look back at this relationship and laugh about it.

51-75: High level -A guy who falls into this category doesn't stand a very good chance of ever having a gratifying intimate relationship with anyone. Because, no matter how you spin it, you're rating your guy pretty high on many of these items. And none of these characteristics are anything to be proud of.

If you find yourself making justifications for your guy as to why he rates this way, stop for a moment. Go back and review these again, and think of how you'd feel if your best friend described her guy this way. My guess is you would worry about her well-being and encourage her to re-think her choice.This is not a pretty picture and isn't likely to change no matter how much you invest in the relationship. This is well beyond situational chumpiness.

If you don't dump this guy, you would be seriously depriving yourself of a happy future. Again, I don't know the specifics of your situation. But no matter how intertwined your life is with him and how difficult it might be to set yourself free, you should seriously consider moving on. If you don't, you are underestimating your value, taking a lot of crap from someone who doesn't respect you. No matter what level of self-worth you started with, even if it was low, you're only making it worse by staying in this type of relationship. Your self-esteem can't possibly improve in this kind of relationship, no matter what changes you make personally. In fact, your sense of value is most likely at an all time low and you don't recognize that you have options. So, I strongly encourage you to make a commitment to better your life and take the plunge back into single life.

76-100: Red Alert! Toxicity Level -get out! This is serious business here. No matter what this guy's excuse is (he was dropped on his head at birth, his mother beat him to a pulp daily, his father abandoned him and his seven siblings-leaving them hungry with a disabled mother), doesn't matter. He's bad news and even if he has had a horrific history that has led him to hold onto highly maladaptive relationship patterns, he's gotta go. You can't be his therapist and you can't fix him. This is the type of guy who has no self-awareness and is going to continually hurt you. If he does by chance make efforts to seriously change and heal whatever has caused him to be such a chump, you can always get back with him (though you'd have to seriously consider why you'd want to). Of course, be careful that you haven't padded the deck in your favor by giving him a higher rating than he truly warrants. You're allowed to leave him no matter what!

Though again this is not an objective rating system or psychological profiling tool, there is a good chance you're involved with someone far worse than a chump-very likely someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and/or Antisocial Personality Disorder (also know as a sociopath or psychopath.) These types do not tend to change and even when they do seek help, it's usually because they want advice on how to fix someone else or they've been forced into treatment because of having broken a law of some sort. They do not take any responsibility for their own actions or see the impact of their behavior on others. They lack empathy and without empathy one cannot have a successful intimate relationship. So if this is your situation, please run for the hills now!

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